•  started kissing when we walked in my apartment. don’t want to type details. felt aware of the thing that happens if i’m doing anything sexual, where there’s a part of me watching me or afraid or saying ‘react’ or something but that wasn’t there at all. seems notable to me, actually…we didn’t…because i’m not on birth control, but i feel like this…i can’t remember ever feeling as ‘emotionally integrated’ (not the right words, maybe ‘not anticipating anything’ or ‘uninhibited’ or ‘not thinking there was a chance the other person could hurt me, so i could feel things spontaneously, didn’t know i could feel so many things while doing something like this’—know all of that is big time female cliché bullshit but guess that’s what i am) during anything sexual with anyone to the degree i felt it yesterday. not like now, now i’m thinking ‘he’s going to read this and think i’m icky or that i ‘cheapened’ it and oh no it’s even worse now because i wanted to put quotes around ‘cheapened’ great. he would like it if i hadn’t said any of this but now that i’ve said it he would like it if i didn’t think i was stupid for saying it too, he would rather i didn’t express uncertainty about saying the things i think he thinks and i’m not sure i think are stupid. so here i am, great.’

•  zachary assembled a shelf he had dissembled and set up the TV/antenna. a nets/bulls game was on, i think. froze the beers before sexy stuff so now they were cold and we drank them. i unpacked things in a ‘bee pollenating’ manner, not spending much time on any one box/bag, getting distracted. felt like it was okay to be quiet. sometimes one of us would repeat something on the radio or TV and the other would respond minimally, but kindly, more like exhaustedly. sometimes i’d say something about what could’ve happened to the cats.

•  colin ‘popped in’ to collect checks for rent/broker’s fee and give me a copy of the local newspaper. zachary’s shirt was off. beer. sitting on curtains serving as sheets on a mattress pad on a mattress on a floor. my unwashed wet hair and leggings. saying my cats were missing. seemed…funny. ‘look what you got yourself into, big shot.’

•  no pizza places seemed open. we walked to the ‘where stuff is kind of’ area, about two blocks from me. passed a basketball hoop and a black plastic bag had been wrapped around the net. zachary said ‘yeah, because no one wants to play with net that hasn’t been wrapped.’