•  drive seemed tense, something felt different, sad, like more time had passed than i had known. asked about the jamie video and about why he seemed upset at the fishkind show. felt like i was talking to someone i had only met a few times. think this made it easier to transition into making jokes/reading signs/pointing out stuff on the street. talked more about the show and felt my stomach pulling, re-enacting the ‘sting of obviousness’ i felt that night watching him interact with jamie in a way that reminded me ‘these people are neither friends nor strangers,’ remembering how when the show was over he passed me and said ‘oh hey’ without looking up, leaving with a man i’d never seen, then not showing up at the bar due to rumored arguing with jamie, all the moments of him ‘not at the bar’ stacking up, helping me form a familiar-feeling epiphany that someone’s life was better without me in it and there was nothing i could do, except try to replace that feeling with excitement about the cocaine that would help me ignore two phone calls from him a few hours later. in the car he said the man i saw him walk away with had confronted him immediately after the show to give him a hard time about how he says ‘faggot,’ and zachary had been crying from other things about the show and talked with the offended man for a long time, explaining how he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. vestigial shame about my reaction to him that night, he was having a shitty time, and what did i want anyway.