at some point he handed me a book called ‘dialectical behavioral therapy for teens’ and said ‘we’re all teenagers when it comes to emotions, really.’ book contained sentences like ‘emily has problems with eating.’ looked funny. dad said ‘dialectical behavioral therapy is really the best, it’s all they’re doing now for borderlines. but i don’t really think you’re a borderline.’ i said ‘i don’t think it’d be bad if…i mean i fit like, ninety-nine percent of the criteria. wait nevermind it doesn’t mean anything.’ it was quiet. he said ‘i told my therapist you said you thought you had borderline personality disorder and she said ‘borderlines are fine, they go through life fine.” he looked concerned. i said ‘i didn’t think i wasn’t going to, either way.’ he said ‘i think you’ll be fine.’ his face didn’t change. i said ‘i know, there’s nothing…everybody’s just fine, no matter what.’

11:53PM: listened to dad get ready for bed and walk around living room area. forgot he was there. he stopped by my room and said ‘it’s really something, you went up there like a monkey on the ceiling, taping that up there. that’s going to be up there for a while, it’s something to be celebrated.’ i said ‘it’s for you, for your birthday. you get celebrated, not it.’ he said ‘well, it’s very neat.’

APRIL 12, 2013

12:34AM: smells big time like big smoky weed. smell hit me like ‘WOOF.’ a guided meditation CD is playing.

1:13AM: dad seems to be chuckling in his sleep.

1:43AM: thought ‘tuna forest’ and pictured scary, endless gray cat hairs that go up and down forever against a white background, getting lost in them.

1:51AM: twinkly music stopped.

2:16AM: ate maybe 10mg adderall for. i don’t know. i like being awake. 36 hours awake currently. thought of a good new extreme sport: it’s basketball but everyone has been awake for a minimum 48 hours. the winning team gets to sleep and the losers have to stay awake until they win or they fall asleep.

3:07AM: staying awake for days in a row while having not-urgent tasks to complete means i could lie and say i fell asleep and just do nothing-type shit like what i did from 1:45-7 today, not telling anyone anything. maybe i should start posting screenshots of web history.

WHY IT’S GOOD TO SLEEP: so body can rest (?) for the next day; because other people sleep; to feel more ‘part’ of something; [something about success, sleeping for success]; you are more coherent (i.e. just deleted ‘over time things become harder’ from this part what did i mean).