8:57PM: buying envelopes for packages now. then feed cats/get dad to sign lease. 24-hour fedex again. assembling packages. exercise. eating shitty food today. i just ate pringles dipped in baba ganoush then two little cookie things. ultimate shit eating. if i take adderall now will i need to take more, because of food? goddamnit. have really letting myself eat the worst shit the past few days. smoothie was a small improvement. okay. eating 7.5mg adderall.

9:33pm: smelled like a day in North Carolina in November 2010 when I stepped outside. Smelled hopeful. Feel instantly better being in car listening to music, reminds me of good mood yesterday. Additional tactic for feeling better: wearing dresses or skirts and showering. It makes everything an ‘occasion.’ ‘occasionally’ vs. ‘occasion’ in context I just used seems interesting. Ate 10mg adderall.

9:45pm: dyed hair reddish. Matthew donahoo video from email yesterday is a scene from a movie where the guy draws a diagram of what negative thinking is like. He lays down some real shit. Highly recommended. Avoid that triangle. Considering making ten triangles of my greatest hits of negative thinking image things. Seems hard at the moment.

10:09pm: bought envelopes, exercise shoes, mint green dress without trying on, gum that said ‘buying this gum will feed a hungry family somewhere.’ felt woman behind me in line, looking at me, standing too close to me. Thought ‘feed your own goddamned family’ at her, not knowing what I meant. Thought it really hard though.

10:31pm: this is my last pack of cigarettes from the carton. After this I’m buying an electronic cigarette. Caving in. Will probably ‘accidentally’ throw out window.

10:59pm: things went well at dad’s. When I walked inside he was talking to Janice, a therapist I think, who I used to like talking to when I worked at his office doing secretary stuff in summers home from college and one high school summer (2003-2006 I think). She said ‘I haven’t seen you since…’ and my dad made his hand child-height and I said ‘two-thousand three?’ Highly pleasant person, that Janice. She is ‘salty,’ I think. I asked how she was and she said something like ‘how good can you be? I think I’m evening out after a period where things have sucked.’ I said I was moving to rockaway park and wanted to be a nursing aid. She said ‘that’s good to hear, you’re making a change, I sit and listen to these people all day and it’s like ‘oh my god, it’s the same thing,’ for years.’ I said ‘yeah it like, doesn’t even matter what the change is to me, it’s just been too much of the same thing for too long.’

11:13pm: it’s raining big fat droppies hell yeah. Hell yeah rain smell. On the way to feed cats.

CLARIFICATION TO UNIVERSE: