5:50PM: drinking coffee. mom is asleep on couch. crippling indecision about what to do right now. no interesting thoughts.

POSSIBILITIES:

•  dye hair (probably one hour total), buy envelopes, go to yoga class at 8 or 8:30

damn nevermind guess that was easy

6:35PM: drinking a ‘the least you can do’ (spinach/banana) smoothie. hair dye sinking into roots. catching up on masha’s liveblog. can’t believe she’s still doing it, happy she is. haven’t read a hand-held book for a while

6:53PM: sitting on balcony. a helicopter is circling so close in the sky that it looks the same size as a lighter on the table in front of me. dye sinking into hair. it’s hot outside. in the beginning of the phone conversation, zachary said something and i said ‘what?’ and he said ‘nevermind.’ i said ‘tell me.’ he asked if it was okay to put a stick in a bottle of water or whiskey, because he really wanted to put a stick in his bottle. i said it was probably okay but you might end up eating some pieces of stick. he seemed happy to eat the stick pieces. confirmed with him that the stick would not go up into the neck of the bottle, it was a short stick. stick in a bottle.

8:25PM: showered and dressed and dried hair. seemed like there wouldn’t be enough time to make it to yoga. wrote consent letter to gyno so she will refill my birth control. felt irritated writing it, think irritation shows in the word ‘another.’ the worst thing that could happen to me is i have cancer/will die sooner and if i cared about that, my consequence for not getting shit done today wouldn’t have been ‘something bad will happen to the five people i think about most,’ it would’ve been ‘i have cancer and will die sooner.’ i’m like. re-reading ‘colposcopy’ things on the internet and feeling cancer in me, or just…it feels….i can’t even read it all the way, like, ‘forceps’…shit…i don’t even know what that is…feel like a guy watching a movie where the main character’s balls get kicked. i feel torture chamber-like dread about getting this shit done again. cancer would be better than torture. okay. good. confident in my decision. now i can continue regulating my…goddamnit, i don’t even think birth control is a good idea. can’t imagine what would’ve happened if…i would have an almost five-month old baby right now…no way to provide for it…life seems…is this actually hell…