7:35–10:30PM: mostly concentrated on finding things to make me cry, fix computer/camera problems. face is big and swol from crying. had a vague memory that the last scene of ‘midnight cowboy’ made me like, lose my shit big time, sob for 20 minutes or something in high school, so i found it and filmed me watching it and it was pretty much like that. continued to cry after the movie. then dad’s computer…camera on photobooth…damn. yeah. so. it didn’t work. cried a lot to make up for it. feel good about the quality of crying i will be providing for the music video.

splashed water on face and reapplied mascara. skin looks old. cried at the final scene of ‘glory,’ final scene in ‘one flew over the cuckoo’s nest,’ and listening to ‘this blackest purse’ and thinking a little harder about shitty things. shirley kept walking in front of me during ‘glory.’ picked her up and used her as kleenex. very cute-looking, her face when i do this.

10:30–11:59PM: dad came home at some point. offered me lemon bundt cake several times. i kept saying ‘thank you, but not right now’ and he kept asking me how i was, like, ‘how are you,’ thoughtfully stressing ‘are,’ and i’d say ‘i’m really tired really don’t feel social right now, would like to talk later.’ i seemed to be upsetting him by not answering but didn’t feel capable of answering. he said ‘how’s that computer working?’ and i said ‘slow’ without thinking about what his reaction would be and he started a line of questioning like ‘what should i do, should i take it to macmedics, have them clean it out?’ i said ‘i don’t know, it seems really old, you could probably just get a new one.’ he said ‘you don’t think macmedics could clean it out, you know, really fire it back up?’ i said ‘i don’t know, i don’t know what to do with computers, why did you ask me, can we please not talk right now, i’m sorry, i’ll talk later.’ he seemed upset.

forget if i’ve talked about this:

there are like 600 pictures of me on this computer from a few years ago. guess i used this computer for a while. many of the pictures are me being ‘sexy,’ like, using strategic camera angles to show off body parts in underwear, going about this in totally obvious/indulgent ways i see other girls do as if no one thinks ‘this girl is being totally obvious/indulgent with her strategic camera angles.’ most of the pictures were taken via request of boyfriend at the time, though i’ve taken similar ones alone, with no intentions to share.