6:17pm: listened to Why? songs and let crying happen. Passed a gray-haired man with a green shirt and a tire jack on the shoulder fixing a flat during ‘this blackest purse.’ This was the climax of crying, seeing him caused sobbing climax, thought ‘how do you do this for so long, how is he doing this, his family, all of these people around me facing forward in our cars helping us get somewhere, the same way they put blinders on horses pulling carriages in cities, it’s because without blinders they can see everything around them and they panic and run, I told that to Zachary, oh my god Zachary: an old man someday, or not, how can this go on like this, remember mom said ‘you’re mourning, you’re just in mourning’ in 2011 and you didn’t know what she meant died, even all the people who have ever held you and meant it and wanted you to be closer to them so they could touch more of you, remember those people, even in 2006, they couldn’t hold you tight enough to make you somewhere else right now, to save you from right now, or tomorrow, going home again oh my god endless goings home, it’s like they forgot to tell you they had to amputate something, phantom limb of some happy future that could’ve been if only not for you, all of the people around you in cars, too many, how will you ever talk to one of them again, imagine being held again knowing all this, all the good nothing will do you, you were on a comforter with flowers after everyone’s parents had picked them up from your birthday party, where is the comforter now, where is the video of this, how many of your cells are always dying and flaking off to unknown places, you’re always in mourning for something, little endings of you everywhere, if you saw a picture of this when you were little would you believe it, this is how you end up, they should’ve warned you before you started’

6:56pm: I’m technically wearing pieces of Philadelphia apartment/my dried sweat particles. Haven’t showered in MD yet.

7:34pm: Ate 30mg adderall. It will improve. Picturing mom watching TV right now and her hair looks so pretty and bouncy and she has the green bathrobe. Maybe I should make crying video for Rion now. I look bad but I can’t write and definitely seem quick to cry. Okay will try. Might be better that I look bad. His video will have insider liveblog coverage now. No don’t say ‘insider liveblog coverage’ don’t get in a good mood.