7:24pm: huge sinking sadness at seeing nice clothes on mannequins at nordstrom. Aware of my insane outfit. Feel so far away from everything, like I might be in a space station controlling ‘Megan Boyle entering Nordstrom’ with a joystick. The space station would be in another galaxy—maybe a long-forgotten first draft of a better space station, got caught in a wormhole or something, is now so far from everything that it’s become the thing that’s been making people think the universe has an end.

7:28pm: passed a man in a suit leaning on railing as he said ‘I couldn’t even walk today.’ there is not much fabric separating my naked body from any of this.

8:47pm: watched reflection as I tried to do sexy thing the tarp was doing with its ass. The thing where the ass bumps up and down independently of the body. I can kind of do it. Thought ‘I am presenting, for the males. This is presenting for the males.’

9:03pm: took picture of an area in the mall where you can sit. You can sit and do anything here. You can read James Joyce if you feel like it. You can stare. Whatever. It is here, in the middle of the mall: an area for you to enjoy. This area is here to enrich your mall experience. Now you can check ‘sitting on a black leather sofa near potted plants’ off your list of activities to do at a mall. As I stood here taking the picture I felt my heart expanding, like, wanting to grow into something parachute-sized that could launch out of my chest and envelop me.

9:10pm: leaving mall. Bought a lot of cheap ass shit from forever 21 (to improve attractiveness? I guess?)

9:51pm: driving to mom’s to find & email or make new crying video for Rion Harmon music video solicitation, garner hair dye, books to mail. Have been searching for songs with words that make me cry and trying to sing along and cry. Cried a little while singing ‘a better son/daughter’ by rilo kiley.

9:54pm: on the phone, dad said ‘well, around 3am you might see a man with white hair get an ice cream sandwich from the freezer. I don’t know who the man is but, so,’ laughing. I laughed too.

9:57pm: pulled into mom’s driveway.

10–11:59PM: ordered coconut oil for mom and me. did other online things. jesus. barely remember. received package from masha containing adderall, vyvanse, fish stickers. one of the fish had a caption above his head that said ‘dando.’

APRIL 3, 2013