Lauren is at the bottom, down below, when she suddenly shouts out, ‘You bastard!’ and launches her barrel-shaped body across the deck. It can only be Jude.

Sure enough, her lover is standing there, trying to grab hold of Lauren’s arms as she pounds her orange gloves against his chest. Then she clocks him round the head with her pineapple hat.

Hastily, I swing my own legs round and ease my pineapple-clad bottom to the edge. I need to get down there before blood is shed. As my feet hit the first rung, I feel very unsteady. Ooo. Think I’ve had way more to drink than I imagined. I thought this Totally Tropical stuff was as weak as gnat’s wee. Maybe I was wrong.

I try to hurry down the ladder. But hurrying and being dressed as a pineapple are not, it seems, compatible.

Chapter 74

Chapter 74

Lauren whacked Jude again with her pineapple-top hat. He held up his hands. ‘Ouch!’

‘How could you?’ she wailed. ‘You said you were working late. You said you couldn’t get away. You lied to me!’

‘Lauren, Lauren,’ he cajoled. ‘Calm down. People are starting to look.’

It was true that a small but very interested crowd had inched nearer to them.

‘What else have you lied to me about?’ she sobbed.

‘Nothing.’ Jude was now gripping her by the arms. ‘Nothing, I promise you.’

‘Are you ever going to leave her?’ Lauren cried, all semblance of dignity gone. How could she conduct a dignified argument dressed like this? She might as well give her lover both barrels while she was fortified by a bottle of Totally Tropical. ‘Five years, Jude. I have waited five years for you.’

‘Not much longer,’ her lover swore. ‘Just calm down. Please, Lauren, you’re making a scene.’

‘I want to make a scene,’ she shouted. ‘I want you with me. Permanently. Not just two or three times a week for a rushed hour. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to your family.’

‘I will sort it out.’ Jude looked stricken and glanced round at the crowd. ‘Financially, this is a really bad time for me to leave. But I will do it. The timing just has to be right.’

‘No.’ Lauren stood back from him. Suddenly she sounded a lot more sober and sensible than she had. ‘Stay with your family. Make this up to them. I don’t want anything more to do with you.’

‘Don’t say that, Lauren,’ Jude begged. ‘You know you don’t mean it.’

‘This time, I do,’ she insisted.

‘I will leave.’