‘Not funny,’ my sister says. ‘Do we have a deal?’

‘Deal,’ I agree.

‘At least I’m not likely to bump into anyone I know,’ Lauren says with a relieved puff. ‘That’s one saving grace. The only saving grace.’

It’s then that I see my sister’s lover, Jude Taylor – complete with his wife, children and a Hawaiian shirt – heading directly for us.

Chapter 70

Chapter 70

It is him. I’m sure it is. I’ve only met him fleetingly over the years at Lauren’s workplace, but I’m convinced I’m not mistaken.

I steer my pineappled sister towards the beachside bar hut and grab three shots of Totally Tropical for her and line them up.

‘Drink that,’ I instruct.

‘Hmm. Lovely, lovely,’ she says, taking one in her little orange-gloved hand. ‘I need this.’

‘You will,’ I tell her.

‘What?’ Now my sister has picked up on the alarm in my voice.

‘Don’t hyperventilate,’ I say. ‘But Jude is over there.’

My sister starts to hyperventilate.

‘With his wife and children.’

Lauren gasps at the air for breath. ‘What? What? WHAT!’ She swallows the other couple of shots.

I’d normally try to stop my sister from drinking so much, but this stuff is probably not much stronger than fruit juice. I knock another shot back myself – it certainly tastes harmless enough.

Her eyes lock on to her lover. Jude currently has his arm round his wife and is holding his daughter’s hand. They’re all laughing. They look like a family off a cereal advert or something. All wholesome and scrubbed and perfect.

‘What the hell’s he doing here?’ Lauren wants to know. Her voice is laced with anguish. She would probably wave her arms about – if she could.

And, in my defence, if I hadn’t been so distressed at being kitted out as a pineapple, I might have noticed her slurring earlier.

‘This can’t be happening to me,’ my sister continues, sounding crazed. ‘It’s a nightmare. Any minute now I’m going to wake up and be in my own bed. And oh, how I’ll laugh!’

I pinch my sister.

‘Fuck,’ she says. ‘This is reality.’ She puts her green-leaved pineapple-top head in her hands. ‘And all I was thinking was that I should lay off the cheese before bedtime.’

‘We can avoid him,’ I assure her. ‘All we need do is to keep one step ahead of him.’

‘I might remind you that we’re dressed as pineapples,’ Lauren snaps. ‘We’re not exactly in-con-fucking-spicuous.’

She has a point.

‘Why is he here?’ she wails miserably. ‘He told me he was working late. He couldn’t even tell me the truth.’

I think that Jude probably has general issues with the truth, but realise that this isn’t the time to raise that.

‘Why would he bring his wife here?’