After my first book came out, I was invited to appear on Good Morning Today. My first TV appearance, and I’d been excited and nervous. Jeremy hadn’t been able to come, but Katie had been my plus-one in the greenroom and she’d helped calm me down before I went on. I’d worn a blue-patterned dress that another writer friend assured me would look good on TV. I’d had someone do my hair and makeup.

It was going to be a short segment—a chance for me to talk about the collection—and my agent was excited for the exposure.

I hadn’t been prepared for how bright and alienating the set had felt. I was grateful that I hadn’t had to walk out on camera, that I was seated during their commercial break and mic’ed up. It had felt as if Carol Champion—the host—and I were on a little, isolated island in the middle of blinding lights.

All I could see was Carol, and I focused on her like she was the life raft I was swimming toward.

It started out fine. Carol asked about the book and I was able to string together several coherent sentences. I’d even made her laugh. Then, with a conspiratorial smile, she had leaned toward me.

“We obviously have to talk about the article,” she’d said.

It had felt like my own smile was bolted to my face.

“Obviously,” I’d said.

I’d been prepared for it. I was always prepared for it.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the way Carol sat back and looked directly over my shoulder at the camera.

“You all know the article I’m talking about,” she’d said before giving a big, broad wink. “The one that made Gabe Parker a household name.”

“Well, I’m sure he didn’t need my help with—”

“Have you seen him since the article?” Carol asked.

My hands had gone cold.

“No.”

“Really?” Carol’s face had been a contortion of faux surprise. “You haven’t kept in touch?”

“It was just one interview.” I’d tried to redirect the conversation. “There are several others in the book—”

“What would you say to him if you saw him?” Carol asked. “If he walked out onto this stage right now?”

I don’t even remember what I said. I just know that my brain panicked, like it had been dropped into quicksand and was flailing and only sinking deeper. The thought of Gabe coming out—of the two of us meeting again this way—had caused every part of me to shut off, like a computer booting down.