FIVE REASONS WHY GABE PARKER WILL BE THE WORST BOND EVER

By Ross Leaming

IT WILL COME AS NO shock to our loyal readers that the team here at Serious Cinephiles is extremely disappointed with the latest Bond news. Here we break down all the reasons we think director Ryan Ulrich is making a huge mistake with the casting of his new leading man.

1.  He’s American. Yes, I know that it’s been confirmed that Parker will be tackling a British accent, but why make him go through the trouble when you could just cast someone with a more appropriate background?

2.  He’s not Oliver Matthias. I don’t know about you, but I call absolute bullshit on the claim that Parker was the production’s first and only pick. Presumably the producers saw him in Tommy Jacks, which is a fine enough movie but certainly doesn’t display any reach on Parker’s part. Especially not in comparison to his co-star WHO ACTUALLY HAS A BRITISH ACCENT. BECAUSE HE’S ACTUALLY BRITISH. That anyone could pick Parker over Matthias indicates that they shouldn’t be in charge of casting Bond. Ever.

3.  He’s a hick. Look, I’m sure Gabe Parker is a perfectly nice person. He might even be somewhat intelligent. But we all know that his on-screen (and in-interview) persona is the polar opposite of what we expect from our Bond. The man with the martini needs to be sophistication personified. He shouldn’t be played by someone whose most famous talk show moment involved him playing beer pong with another guest. And winning.

4.  He’s already sleeping with his co-star. They haven’t confirmed it, but anyone who saw those pictures of him and Jacinda Lockwood in Paris can tell that they are definitely knocking boots. But, Ross, you might say, doesn’t that speak to why he would be a good Bond? He’s already proven he can get the girl. Yes, exactly, I would say to you. Where’s the excitement, then? The chase? The anticipation? It just seems like Gabe Parker is a bro who can’t keep his dick in his pants. Plus, it’s just another sign that Parker is forever getting his co-star’s sloppy seconds.

SIDE NOTE: Is anyone surprised that Lockwood dumped Matthias for Parker? The Black British-born model has gotten quite the reputation for doing whatever it takes to get her movie career off the ground.

5.  He’s too soft. I’m not talking about his body—we’ve all seen the shirtless pics from Cold Creek Mountain, a beefcake photo shoot parading as a serious movie—but there’s something undeniably tender about him. And Bond is NOT tender. He’s tough. Maybe it’s all Parker’s experience in the theatre, particularly his leading role in Angels in America. You all know what I’m saying.

Chapter 2

Chapter
2