This is not what I had planned. Not even close. It is, however, what I get for relying on other people. People always – and I mean always – mess up. I have yet to meet one who hasn’t let me down sooner or later. Usually sooner. This was supposed to be an easy job, a means to an end – nothing more. A way to pay off some serious debts owed to some ruthless people and to make a very healthy profit on the side too. I should’ve guessed that Misty, Liberty’s mother, and Pete, her equally worthless boyfriend, would muck things up. For God’s sake, all they had to do was hold on to her daughter for a couple of days until Tobias Durbridge proved to the world, but mostly to himself, how much he loved his secret daughter by paying the ransom. It should’ve been a piece of Makeda sponge cake. But no. Misty and her shit-for-brains boyfriend decide to bring in his brother, Oliver, who had even larger quantities of shit for brains.

I first met Pete drinking alone in a pub while he was waiting for Misty to turn up. We got to talking and Pete lowered his voice to inform me that Misty claimed her daughter, Liberty, was also the daughter of Tobias Durbridge, the politician. Pete had laughed it off, not believing a word of it. Me? I wasn’t so sure that it was all a fantasy. I mean, why claim something that would be so easy to disprove? DNA tests were now cheaper than a restaurant meal for two. So maybe there was something in it after all.

I hung around until Misty arrived and insinuated myself into their night out, laughing and joking and making sure I kept the drinks flowing. We all went for a meal, which I insisted on paying for. By the end of the night, I was their new best friend. I checked with the General Records Office, and Tobias Durbridge was indeed listed as the father of Liberty Alba Jackman. That’s when I began to plant the idea of tapping him for money. After all, it was what Misty and Pete deserved. If Tobey had money and they didn’t, surely it was only fair that they did what was necessary to balance those scales. Pete was all for it. Misty took a little more persuading – but not much. After a few weeks, I shared with them the plan that I’d taken great care to work out. It was foolproof. Or so I thought. I didn’t count on the three biggest cretins on the planet ruining it.