‘Mum, we were in a restaurant,’ said Ryan, buttering Ty a fifth bread roll. ‘Sat down in a restaurant.’

‘Even so, these buggers can strike when you least expect it. You’ve got to give them no leeway—’

‘—we’ll have to get the kids down soon – it’s already past their bedtime – but will you join us for breakfast tomorrow, Hilary?’ said Jayde.

‘Sure,’ I said. ‘I’d love to. Thanks.’

Eddie and canyon-gash Shona came over from a neighbouring table and set down a large piña colada before me – more ice than colada. I made a face.

‘That’s your poison, isn’t it?’

‘Yeah. But I don’t like ice. Cos there’s human shit in ice, isn’t there? I read this article online—’ Their faces fell and I remembered who I was again. ‘Thank you so much, you’re such kind people!’

Egos smoothed, all was forgiven. ‘Well, we wanted to say well done saving the boy today, darlin’. You done real good.’

‘Oh. Thanks, Eddie. Shona. That’s so kind. Kind kind kind.’

Eddie held up his hands like he’d just saved ten orphans from a fire. ‘Small price to pay. Glad the boy’s back where he belongs.’

Ty stood on his chair. ‘I got kidnapped today,’ he told Shona’s pendulous milkers.

‘I know, Honey, you are so brave,’ she said, holding his face between her hands. ‘We’re sure glad you’re back though!’

‘Me too,’ said Ty, reaching for another bread roll and stuffing it in his face. ‘I don’t have to clean my teeth tonight cos brave soldiers don’t have to.’

Happiness swelled in me all night long and I found that the more people were nice to me, the less I resented them. Kindness kills the hate. It fills you up. Happy human bonds. But I had got the message loud and clear that day: to exist in this life now, I couldn’t be Hilary or Rhiannon in entirety. I had to be both of them. Hilary for business, Rhiannon for pleasure.

We rounded off the evening with a Nineties boyband reunion show in the main theatre. One of them had found God and refused to do the thrusting but it didn’t stop their front row of 50-somethings frothing at the crease.

‘You were so brave,’ said a voice, sidling up to me – Bardot. ‘Saving Ty.’

‘He needed saving. So I saved him,’ I said. ‘Pity I can’t do the same for your husband. More difficult when it’s a grown-assed man.’

‘Now look, I don’t appreciate—’

‘—save your breath,’ I interrupted. ‘When I want to exchange pleasantries with a despotic hambone who can’t even peel their own apples, I’ll WhatsApp you, ’K?’