‘I’ll fucking do it then.’ I can’t keep the fork out of my tongue, the hiss out of my spit. Can’t keep my chest cool or my legs still – they’re jiggling about like I’m about to run.

‘We miss you.’

His brother calls out, ‘He’s pining for you, Ophelia!’

I laugh, despite myself. ‘I miss you all too. More than you know.’ I grab my things, tucking my passport into my coat. ‘I’ve got a direct flight this time. I’m walking to the gate now. It’s so busy – a lot of flights from China have been cancelled so there’s a backlog.’

‘Yeah, I saw something about that on CNN. Some virus going around in the Far East.’

‘I’m sure it won’t affect us. Look, don’t worry about picking me up from the airport. Traffic will be a nightmare.’

‘I don’t want you taking the bus home by yourself.’

‘You don’t need to worry about me.’

‘I know but I do. You sound out of breath.’

‘I’ve been running,’ I say. I stare up at the Departures boards. All the gates are open. My Delta flight to San Diego is Preparing. People are getting in line. The flight at the next gate is going to London – it’s carrying a two-hour delay. The gnawing in my chest is never going to go. It’s with me forever, like she is. Knotted up, tangled amongst my vital organs like bindweed. Like ivy.

‘What time do you think you’ll be home?’

‘I’m not sure,’ I say, checking my boarding card. Ophelia Jane White. Booked on the 7.15 p.m. flight from JFK to San Diego International. I stare hard at my name – the name of the person I am now. The name of the person I so desperately want to be.

But my baby girl needs me. My baby girl’s in danger.

‘I love you, OJ.’

‘I love you too.’ My eyes flick up to the Departure boards. They go from one to another and back again. San Diego. London. San Diego. London. San Diego. London. My legs are still jiggling.

‘Come home soon, won’t you?’

My heart picks up its familiar thump thump rhythm. My fingers lengthen. I can’t catch my breath. Everything outside is chaos. Suitcases rolling. People running. Announcements blaring.

But everything inside is suddenly so simple.

‘I’ll be with you soon, baby, I promise. I’m coming home.’

Acknowledgements