And I thought: if I could control it this time, I could have the best of both worlds: Hilary for business, Rhiannon for fun. My heart started thumping. I headed back indoors and got the lift down to the Business Centre. I bought another twenty-four hours of internet and logged onto PlentyofCatfish.com.

It was like coming home – even if home was a cesspool of mansplainers, swipe rights, dick pics, DM sliders, thirst traps, leave-on-reads, slow fades, foot fetishists, golden showers, garage flowers and over-proteined poon hounds with ass acne and Harley Davidsons wanking themselves blind over Top Gear. But home has always been where my heart is.

Friday, 4 January – Cartagena

1. Kris Jenner – aka the queen who spawns the silicone eggs
2. Ken and Gloria – the couple who’ve been everywhere, done it all and know everything. Except that their shipmate is a serial killer.
3. Parents who allow their toddlers to shriek at random intervals
4. Parents who bring all eight children on holiday with them and hog the mini golf course. Why do people keep on having kids anyway? The last one not pulling in the followers on Instagram like she used to?
5. Parents in general

Fuckboyee: Are you in Alicante?

HillsHaveEyes69: No. Am in Cartagena. Come to me, baby.

Fuckboyee: Where dat?

HillsHaveEyes69: Get a map.

Fuckboyee: OK I’ll see wot I can do. Won’t be til late afternoon tho. Can’t wait to see you. I rly enjoyed last night.

HillsHaveEyes69: Yeah, it was great wasn’t it?

Fuckboyee: Can’t wait to be inside you for real!

HillsHaveEyes69: Mmm. Me eiths.

I waited an age for a response. Watched a YouTube video of two men attempting an enormous fry-up in a hollowed-out loaf and did a Buzzfeed quiz to pass the time – Which Member of BTS Is Mostly Likely To Help You Change A Tyre Based on Your Krispy Kreme Preference? (Jungkook, obvs.) Anyway, eventually I got a bite. My old hunting ground – PlentyofCatfish – was its usual cavalcade of incels and desperados, lots of whom were married and at least one of whom was in prison but would still ‘blow my back out’ given half the chance.

Ahhh, so many Mr Darcys, so little time… *smitten blinky eyes gif*

The little fishy that bit was a loathsome patch of cunny fungus called Liam or ‘El Fuckboy’ as his profile suggested. He was on a stag weekend in Alicante, along the coast from Cartagena, and looked like a younger, gone-wrong Lewis Capaldi. His photos were the usual – one in sports gear before a big mirror, one astride a garish red motorbike, one with a drugged-up tiger cub in the Far East and one in a suit at a party, probably his own wedding.