The David Guetta Face is how I test whether someone is genuinely happy to see me or whether they want me to fuck off – it’s the face David Guetta pulls when he sees Kelly Rowland for the first time in the video for ‘When Love Takes Over’. Now, I’m not great at assessing people’s moods – sometimes people can be pissed off with me and I don’t see it. Sometimes people are scared but unless they tell me, ‘Hey, you know what? I’m pissing my pants right now,’ I wouldn’t get the hint. But I do know pure joy and I see it in David Guetta’s face when he sees Kelly in that video.

Kelly’s walking through the wind machine towards the beach party, looking boss, and Guetta’s pushing his trolley along, setting up his decks, plugging in his amps, and the wind whips up and the seagulls are all flocking around Kelly and she’s got her stilettos off and she’s parading up the sand in this stunning dress like the total qween she is and she’s walking through the water, hair all blowy, and it turns night time and Guetta’s decks are all set up and the music’s blasting out and he’s having it large and Kelly finally reaches him at the decks and David Guetta looks at her with this face –

This I’m so damn happy to see you face.

My point is I never get a David Guetta Face from anyone. And yeah, I know why, I’m a miserable beeyotch, is it any wonder, right? My mother hated me. Bullied at school. Colleagues all thought I was a weirdo. Craig couldn’t wait to bury his clam hammer in the nearest acre of blonde that wasn’t me. Nobody’s ever pleased to see me.

But when I came down to breakfast at the hotel that following Saturday morning and I saw all his relatives in the dining room, and Raf helping himself to eggs, he turned to me and he did the David Guetta Face.

And that was when I knew. I knew he was genuinely into me. And he made me believe I was something I never thought I could be: normal. I don’t think I stopped smiling all day.

At least until I got on my bike and rode back up to the Hacienda after we’d said our ‘Goodbyes’ and ‘I’ll Miss Yous’. It was only then that the contentment started to ebb away from me and a new feeling slid into my DMs.

The strangest, coldest feeling that I was being watched.

Monday, 13 May – Hacienda Santuaria