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Chapters (68)
  1. Title page
  2. Dedication
  3. Part I
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-one
  25. Twenty-two
  26. Twenty-three
  27. Twenty-four
  28. Twenty-five
  29. GAIA YOUNG. SUBJECTIVE IMPRESSIONS.MISSION DAY 20. 20:25 MT.
  30. Part II
  31. Twenty-six
  32. Twenty-seven
  33. Twenty-eight
  34. Twenty-nine
  35. Thirty
  36. Thirty-one
  37. Thirty-two
  38. Thirty-three
  39. Thirty-four
  40. Thirty-five
  41. Thirty-six
  42. Thirty-seven
  43. GAIA YOUNG. SUBJECTIVE IMPRESSIONS.MISSION DAY 22. 20:05 MT.
  44. Thirty-eight
  45. Thirty-nine
  46. Forty
  47. Forty-one
  48. GAIA YOUNG. SUBJECTIVE IMPRESSIONS.MISSION DAY 25. 15:30 MT.
  49. Forty-two
  50. Forty-three
  51. Forty-four
  52. Forty-five
  53. Forty-six
  54. Forty-seven
  55. Forty-eight
  56. Forty-nine
  57. Fifty
  58. Fifty-one
  59. Fifty-two
  60. Fifty-three
  61. Fifty-four
  62. Part III
  63. Fifty-five
  64. Fifty-six
  65. Fifty-seven
  66. Fifty-eight
  67. Also by Chris Beckett
  68. Copyright page

I was just pushing this thought to one side when it struck me that maybe this was my answer, that maybe this was Gela speaking to me right now? That was a scary scary moment, but it quickly passed. This couldn’t be Gela, I decided almost at once. Whether or not they were right, these weren’t new thoughts. I had this same conversation with myself every waking. And this wasn’t a new voice either. It was just the same soundless muttering that went on inside me all the time. It was just me, talking to myself. Maybe I should pay more attention to it, but not now, not when I was trying to hear our Mother.

‘Mother,’ I tried again, ‘I’m not even sure what I should ask you. I want to be a good daughter to you, though. I really do. Please could you just tell me what you want from me?’

Nothing came back. I waited and waited, trying to persuade myself that this thought or that was different from normal, but each time I really knew that wasn’t true. These were just thoughts, ordinary thoughts, just like the ones that went through my mind every waking. Eventually I stood up and walked out of the Circle and back to Mary.

‘I’m sorry, Mary,’ I said, looking into that big square face of hers, full of passion, full of certainty, full of trust and confidence in me. ‘I know I’ve let you down and I’ve let our Mother down, but I can’t hear anything at all.’

‘Oh darling, darling.’ Mary laughed and threw her arms round me. ‘You’re so hard on yourself. It takes time, of course it does. I couldn’t hear her at first either.’

I pressed her against me, sobbing with relief as I felt her warm solid body, all sticky with fug just like my own.

Nineteen