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Back Counting Down with You Save as PDF
Chapters (64)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Praise
  4. Booklist
  5. Dedication
  6. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  7. Part 1
  8. 1
  9. 2
  10. 3
  11. 4
  12. 5
  13. 6
  14. 7
  15. 8
  16. 9
  17. 10
  18. 11
  19. 12
  20. 13
  21. 14
  22. 15
  23. 16
  24. 17
  25. 18
  26. 19
  27. Part 2
  28. 20
  29. 21
  30. 22
  31. 23
  32. 24
  33. 25
  34. 26
  35. 27
  36. 28
  37. 29
  38. 30
  39. 31
  40. 32
  41. 33
  42. Part 3
  43. 34
  44. 35
  45. 36
  46. 37
  47. 38
  48. 39
  49. 40
  50. 41
  51. 42
  52. 43
  53. 44
  54. 45
  55. 46
  56. 47
  57. 48
  58. 49
  59. 50
  60. 51
  61. 52
  62. 53
  63. 54
  64. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

But the truth is that everyone else is living their life as they always have. It’s me who’s stuck in slow motion.

The thought of having to face anyone ever again makes me nauseated. I’ll have to explain that my parents don’t love me unconditionally—that their love comes with a million hidden clauses—and that I have no choice but to do exactly what they want. Even now, bile burns in the back of my throat. I’m choking on my own anguish.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

I don’t know.

I don’t.

I.

Is this what it’s like to have your parents disappoint you? This paralyzing devastation?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do.

I’m sixteen, and my future is out of my hands.

My head starts pounding so hard I have to sit up and tuck my head between my knees to keep from blacking out. Every breath I take is ragged and painful.

My hands are shaking. My entire body is shaking. My soul is about to vibrate out from underneath me, disappearing into the wind. Not my countdown, not my candles, not my prayers, not a single thing can help me now.

Unshakeable, I think bitterly.

I’ve never been unshakeable. I only fooled myself into thinking I was.

I don’t even try to count backward in my head. I don’t see how that can help me anymore.

I clench my eyes shut, as if that’ll stop the tears from burning the backs of my eyelids. The future that lies in front of me is bleak.

This is the end, I realize. This is the end of my life and the beginning of the life my parents want for me.

But maybe I never had my own life in the first place.

49

T-PLUS 1 DAY

Forcing myself to get up for school the next morning is the most miserable experience of my sixteen years.

There’s a strange numbness that’s slipped under my skin. It creeps closer to my heart with each passing moment. It’s as if there are shards of glass twisting inside me, tearing into my flesh and forcing me to become hollow.

I’m empty. I’m broken.

I’m alone.

Despite texts from my brother, from Nandini, Cora, and Ace, I feel completely and utterly alone.

None of them have ever been in this situation. None of them will ever be.

I wouldn’t want them to be. It’s the last thing I would wish on anyone, but it doesn’t help the fact that I have no one to turn to now who really understands how I feel. Maybe my cousins, but I can’t handle the thought of them knowing, looking at me in pity whenever we cross paths.

This pain is my burden alone.