BooksBarbecue
Back Counting Down with You Save as PDF
Chapters (64)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Praise
  4. Booklist
  5. Dedication
  6. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  7. Part 1
  8. 1
  9. 2
  10. 3
  11. 4
  12. 5
  13. 6
  14. 7
  15. 8
  16. 9
  17. 10
  18. 11
  19. 12
  20. 13
  21. 14
  22. 15
  23. 16
  24. 17
  25. 18
  26. 19
  27. Part 2
  28. 20
  29. 21
  30. 22
  31. 23
  32. 24
  33. 25
  34. 26
  35. 27
  36. 28
  37. 29
  38. 30
  39. 31
  40. 32
  41. 33
  42. Part 3
  43. 34
  44. 35
  45. 36
  46. 37
  47. 38
  48. 39
  49. 40
  50. 41
  51. 42
  52. 43
  53. 44
  54. 45
  55. 46
  56. 47
  57. 48
  58. 49
  59. 50
  60. 51
  61. 52
  62. 53
  63. 54
  64. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Cora comes up behind Nandini, frowning. “We’re really sorry, Karina. Are you sure you don’t want us to come with you?”

“It’s fine,” I say again, lowering my gaze. “Next time, okay?”

“Okay,” Nandini says, reaching forward to squeeze my hand. Cora’s hand comes on top of hers. The weight is heavy. Usually, it would be comforting, and I am grateful to my friends for being so understanding about my anxiety, but right now it just feels like too much. Just having someone touch me is causing nausea to bubble up inside my stomach.

“Love you,” Cora says, retracting her hand after seeing my face.

“Love you,” I say and pull my hand back into the safety of my lap.

Nandini sighs but nods at Cora, gesturing toward the door. They leave after one last glance at me.

I completely forget Ace is sitting next to me until he raps his knuckles against my seat. “What’s going on?”

“I’m just not feeling well,” I say quietly, willing him to understand.

Ace observes my expression. “Is there anything I can do?”

I shake my head. “I—” My voice falters. “I’ll see you later for our studying session, okay?”

I pack my things, carefully tucking away the brown paper bag. Ace doesn’t protest as I leave. I’m glad. How can I speak to him right now, knowing that if I ever act on the feelings sprouting in my chest, we’re doomed to a relationship full of lies and secrets?

we’ll pretend it’s a game of lost and found

or maybe even hide-and-seek

and perhaps for a while

in the darkness of the night

it will be enough

until the sun comes bursting from the east

and we fall to the flames

25

T-MINUS 18 DAYS

I wander through the halls after gym class, my mind a haze of colors. I’m supposed to head toward the library for my tutoring session with Ace, but my feet seem to have a different plan.

Somehow, I end up in a staircase, my back against a radiator and my gaze somewhere far above me.

I can’t stop thinking about what Cora and Nandini said. You deserve to be happy. Just yesterday, Dadu said I look happy.

But does this brand of happiness fit in my life? Can I have it? Am I allowed to?

Since childhood, I’ve always tried so hard to make my parents proud. If that meant behaving the way they wanted, then I did. If that meant cutting television time to study math and science, then I did. If that meant staying home while all my other friends went to each other’s houses, then I did.

Everything they’ve asked of me, I’ve given. I’ve given and I’ve given and I’ve given, and I continue to give. But it’s never enough. There’s never a limit to what they ask of me.