BooksBarbecue
Back Counting Down with You Save as PDF
Chapters (64)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Praise
  4. Booklist
  5. Dedication
  6. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  7. Part 1
  8. 1
  9. 2
  10. 3
  11. 4
  12. 5
  13. 6
  14. 7
  15. 8
  16. 9
  17. 10
  18. 11
  19. 12
  20. 13
  21. 14
  22. 15
  23. 16
  24. 17
  25. 18
  26. 19
  27. Part 2
  28. 20
  29. 21
  30. 22
  31. 23
  32. 24
  33. 25
  34. 26
  35. 27
  36. 28
  37. 29
  38. 30
  39. 31
  40. 32
  41. 33
  42. Part 3
  43. 34
  44. 35
  45. 36
  46. 37
  47. 38
  48. 39
  49. 40
  50. 41
  51. 42
  52. 43
  53. 44
  54. 45
  55. 46
  56. 47
  57. 48
  58. 49
  59. 50
  60. 51
  61. 52
  62. 53
  63. 54
  64. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

“I hate seeing you so miserable,” Ace murmurs into my hair. “I’m sorry for bringing it up. I know there are no easy answers, but I’m worried about you. I don’t know how much longer you can do this before you burn out, Karina.”

I wish I had the breath to reply that I’ve already burned out. The fire he sees inside me is actually just the ember that remains from a once-roaring inferno.

Ace holds me closer, stroking my hair with one hand and wrapping the other around the back of my neck, squeezing gently. “Breathe with me. Come on.”

His chest moves under my head as he takes deep breaths in and out, and I try to copy him until my own breathing evens out. Tears still spill down my cheeks, saltwater stinging my tongue.

“Hey,” Ace says, leaning back so he can cup my face. His thumbs brush across my cheeks, wiping the tear tracks. “You deserve to be happy, Karina Ahmed. Your life shouldn’t be about making other people happy at your expense. Please believe that.”

“I wish I could,” I say, sniffling. I still feel the urge to rip out my heart and throw it somewhere far, far away, where it can’t bother me anymore, but I’m calmer. Ace is right in that I have to make a decision about my future career in two days. The question of which one to choose haunts my every waking moment. “But it’s easier said than done.”

Ace’s eyes are sad. “I know. This entire situation is the worst. But if anyone can find a way to come out of it on the other side, it’s you. My lionheart. It’s always going to be your decision, but I hope you know I believe in you more than anything.”

I close my eyes and lean into his touch, trying to soak in his warmth. “I wish I was as brave as you think I am.”

I am not a spark. I am not a blaze. I am not an inferno.

“You are,” Ace says, pressing a soft kiss to my forehead. “You are.”

47

T-MINUS 1 DAY

One day.

T-1.

My parents come back tomorrow. Everything is going to change. It’s back to constant supervision and intense lectures and watchful gazes I can never fully shake, even when I’m out of their sight.

It means goodbye to my dates with Ace, goodbye to having Dadu around, goodbye to my newfound happiness.

Goodbye to the indecision that plagues me constantly.

My motions are slow today. I wake up and brush my teeth. I eat breakfast and watch Dadu read the newspaper. I kneel on a janamaz and pray to Allah to help me find an answer. I lie down with a book in the living room but end up watching Samir play video games. I sit outside on the porch and attempt to do homework, all to no avail.