Over the garden walls the tops of the cypress trees stood still against the light sky. There was a crescent moon. I had arranged to meet Joe just past the confines of the herb garden. There were some old table gravestones in an alcove on the back wall and the whole place couldn’t be seen from any of the windows. A blind spot full of healing plants, ha ha ha.

Should you make jokes when you’re about to throw away your virginity? Or when you wanted to punch your boyfriend in the teeth but you couldn’t risk being like your mammy? Or when you felt so brittle you could break at any minute? Or when your heart was swelling because your mother was a coach trip away for the first time in sixteen years and couldn’t hurt you?

I wished Daddy was beside me though he’d be unlikely to put his arm around me and tell me I was safe. He might manage another round of ‘watch yourself, watch yourself’. It was the only advice he ever had. It was always said with concern, maybe even love if he knew what that was, but I’d lost count of the number of times I wished he’d do the watching. He was a hopeless guardian. I adored him all the same. He had shrunk a bit every time he lost one of the boys. Like me, he was probably as glad as he was sad that Matthew would never have the courage to escape.

I strolled across the edge of the lawn. I should have brought a cardigan but Lizzie said it would spoil my ‘whole look’. I hardly ever wore dresses, Joe would be so surprised! I’d never had anything red before. Mammy said it was too flashy but it was absolutely my colour.

The chilly air felt good. Goosebumps raced up my bare arms. The tang of rosemary came above all the other herbs growing there along with lovage, which we had had in handfuls in the soup of the day and which we’d still be tasting at Christmas. I wanted to cry when it was the first time for ages I didn’t feel sad.

I looked to see someone coming. He was strolling too. He had come. He had waited for me. I did love him, he did love me! We had loved each other for years, hadn’t we?

–  Joe! Joe, over here!

He came towards me and I nearly passed out. It was Jacques Bernier. I was in deep trouble.

–  ’ello.

–  Hello.

–  Who is Joe? Your boyfriend, I think?

–  Yes, no. He’s more a friend really …

–  He must be a very good friend if you cannot wait to see him tomorrow, non?

–  Yes, a very good friend. I’ll just go back now …

–  It’s okay. I found your Joe and locked him away! It’s a beautiful night, don’t you think?