He banged his baldy head hard on the boot lid when he stood up and that made him blush. I had taken him quite by surprise. The once-beloved blue eyes were cold enough to make me shiver. He wetted his pale lips with the tip of his tongue and leaned back to take all of me in.

–  Well, well! If it isn’t the auld woman who lived in a shoe! What’s up?

–  I needed to see you.

–  Well, I’m busy and you look like you should be in bed.

He slammed the boot and made for his house, trying not to run. He didn’t look back. Were his shoulders always that narrow? What was wrong with him? Didn’t he realise that I wanted to explain? I wasn’t a bad girl. I wasn’t a tramp. I just needed his forgiveness so that I could draw a line under our time together and get back to the life I had built. I hadn’t thrown away my one chance at happiness. I was a mother, a farmer’s wife. And now that farmer was far away, out of my reach, learning to walk again without me by his side. I could make him understand but I’d pick a day when I wasn’t being licked by flames. I turned for home in a daze, disregarded.

It was stumbling through the sunny leaves on the floor of Brooky Hay that made me realise Joe just hadn’t given me a fair chance, hadn’t allowed me the five minutes it would take to say that I’d never set out to hurt him. I was done with being put to one side. He’d have to listen. I dragged myself back to his street and knocked and had to knock again when the doctor took his time to answer my call.

–  I need to talk to you about us, you and me …

–  There is no us, Mary! There never really was an ‘us’ because of you!

–  I thought I loved you, you see, but …

–  What would you know about love, you lousy little tramp?

I had the sudden and unpleasant sensation that I was standing on his doorstep with no knickers on. I was still sixteen, but not sweet – soured. I couldn’t speak, and luckily he seemed to be all out of words, but I could tell from his face that I looked a very sorry state. It wasn’t concern but disgust; I repulsed him. I had wounded the doctor’s son by making him think he was not good enough, when he knew in his heart of hearts that he was a darling. His mammy had told him a million times plus one that he was the top of the pile.