–  I’m not so sure she will, she’s all for going again! You’d think sticking needles in yourself for weeks was the best craic in town!

I dabbed my eyes on the edge of my work apron and Lizzie fetched out a packet of paper hankies from her posh handbag. She was always drenched in some expensive perfume; it was out of place with its musky sweetness. Her life was not something I would ever understand. She had total freedom; Kenny didn’t really care what she did or where she went. They had a big house in London where they could walk to all sorts of fancy restaurants. Her job was a success – she was a lawyer, for heaven’s sake! She took three holidays a year, though both of us knew that the trips weren’t filling the space that she and Kenny needed filling most.

Would she be able to understand the kind of life I had built with John Johns? I had never burdened her or anyone with the whole truth of what went on at Johns Farm. I had a man who could block out the fact that I was in the room unless that room was the bedroom. A man who was tired of me but who wouldn’t let his own father know what he’d taken on. A man who made the decisions that affected us both: more cows, more children, different cows, no more children. A day at the seaside maybe once a year when I got to eat something that I hadn’t planted, grown, dug, washed and cooked myself.

I had lost my nerve. I had lost myself. I had been hiding for so long, breaking cover for any reason seemed impossible. No one knew us better than each other and we didn’t know each other at all. It was an authentic Northern Irish friendship. Lizzie pulled herself together as she hadn’t any other option but she did have other news.

–  So, Joe Loughrey’s back in town. He’s going to take over the surgery. Dermot Darling is retiring!

I’d always had a strange notion that I would somehow feel Joe Loughrey if he came back again, feel his presence like someone walking on my grave. We were unfinished business.

–  Mary? Are you alright?

–  How long?

–  Two weeks already. He’s bought that big house out past Brooky Hay.

–  Is he married?

–  He was married at a time but there’s no wife now. Imagine the scandal? A divorced doctor in Carncloon! The auld wans’ll have to bless themselves before they drop their drawers!

–  Lizzie! Behave! Have you seen him?

–  I have. He’s a very different boy from the one we knew. He has quite the high opinion of himself these days! Kenny was not keen. I think his exact phrase was ‘an out-of-this-world wanker’?