We went back behind the barn, shivering and shaking and hoping Daddy would find us this time, just once, please Holy God. But he didn’t show up, too busy with the beasts as usual and as like as not to turn if he saw us standing in a miserable clump. Liam, Dominic, Brendan, Matthew and him were moving the cows to the far edges of The Hill. I thought he would stick up for us one day but Kathleen says that’s nonsense, he never will. I had an emergency humbug in my pocket that I peeled and gave to Bernie. She needed it more than me.

China dolls definitely don’t shit themselves, Mick said to cheer me up and to make Bernie laugh again though she was gone pure white in the face. A hot sob was rising up from my guts but it came out as a hiccup and we giggled. There’s no use crying over split lips. We know we’ll still get the quarters of clove rocks and pink elephants.

When Auntie Eileen came back with Kathleen from Carncloon, they found us in the barn. We got so, so tired that we went to lie down in among the bales of hay. Mick went in the middle because he’s the man and me and Bernie put our heads on his chest and I suppose we all nodded off. It was Eileen sobbing that woke us. She just stroked my face and kissed Mick’s head before she pulled Bernie out and held her as if she would snap in half.

Kathleen wiped at my mouth with her hanky but she couldn’t really see what she was doing through the tears. Mick doesn’t like to be left out so he got under her coat and hung on to her waist. That’s how Mammy found us, and she blew her top because we were being so mucky. She doesn’t like hugs, hugs are worse even than talking. A big fight got up, all three of them were shouting and roaring ’til Eileen put Bernie in the car. The door banged shut and they took off. The sudden quiet was weird. I swear I could hear everybody’s heart beating, not just my own.

Kathleen stormed into the house and me and Mick ran after her like orphaned ducks. She had me in her arms by the time Mammy caught us, telling me for the hundredth time that I would be alright, to not cry, to be brave, it wasn’t forever. One day we’d be gone. Seventeen or not, she wasn’t safe, not yet. Mammy rounded on her.

–  Get away from her! The problem with that wayne is she’s spoilt! Spoilt rotten by that idiot aunt of yours with her boiled sweets and her dotey-this and darlin’-that! Pah! Who does she think she is? Ruining my waynes because her own is soiled?