The children were glad to have me back in the kitchen though I was too tired to cook anything more than eggs on toast. We don’t care, Mammy, as long as it doesn’t have black bits, says Daniel and the rest of them nod. I was still Mammy but emptier. John came in from the fields and sat down with them without a word of any kind and they eyeballed the pair of us for signs of improvement. There weren’t any. I’d have to do something about that. I knew what growing up in a house of black moods and stony silences does for the soul.

That night, emboldened by the prospect that change was in the air, I plucked up enough courage to start our own truce.

–  The children shouldn’t see us like this …

–  Like what?

–  Like we can’t be … civil?

–  Civil? Civil? Mary, you’re a treasure, do you know that? We’ve been married for nearly twelve years and have five children between us and civil is all you’re aiming for?

–  Six!

–  Six what?

–  We have six children between us!

I picked the wrong time to tot things up. He looked like he’d been punched in the stomach. But I couldn’t put her aside so easily and I was damned if I was going to allow him to. The quick, clean cry of a fox somewhere in the river field startled us both to breathe in again.

–  You needn’t worry about my memory, Mary. I’ll never be able to forget how many children I have.

–  That’s good then? That’s good?

–  It’s perfect! Tomorrow we’ll get straight back on with the civilities!

When I talked I got it wrong, when I didn’t talk I got it wrong. I couldn’t do or say right for doing and saying wrong. I wanted to keep her alive for a little while longer but John didn’t share that feeling. He wanted her buried. The sadness was like heartburn: sour and hot. We got up the next day and got on with the civilities.

Bridie taps me on the back of the neck when she finds me drooped over a sink or a table or a spade in the vegetable patch and tells me it gets easier. But it won’t get easier anytime soon because John has decided to cut off any possibility of me having another baby to hold. He disappeared first thing one day without so much as a goodbye and Matthew dropped him back on the street long after the sun had dropped between Sessiagh and Glebe.