On my very last check-up, disaster struck. Doctor Brown was off with shingles and I had to wait for Doctor Loughrey. Dermot Darling was the last person on God’s blue planet that I wanted to see. The nurse made me wait anyway because I went white when she told me and she said there was no way I was getting out of there without a blood-pressure check. I sat under the posters covered with blackened lungs and others asking people to speak out against terrorism and hoped that no one would ask me how I was or, even worse, be kind. I did not want to be crying when I got face to face with Joe’s daddy. When I finally went in, after I’d nearly chewed the nails clean off myself, he looked just as put out as I was.

–  How are you, Mary? Please, sit. I see from Doctor Brown’s notes that you’ve had a textbook pregnancy. No problems at all and nothing to report?

–  Nothing.

–  Good, good. Well, let’s have a quick look at you, shall we?

He listened to the bump and he listened to my heart which was banging. He had Joe’s ears when he bent forward and Joe’s smell: the same washing powder and soap. He was all red. I was embarrassing him. I could feel the tears rising and rising even though I tried to swallow them down.

–  Your blood pressure’s a little high, but perhaps that’s understandable …

I heard the words break free before I could bite them back. I sounded pitiful and pleading. I’d never stop showing myself up.

–  I’m not a bad girl, you know? I’m not a bad girl, I’m not!

–  Mary, no one ever said you were a bad girl. But for God’s sake, can you tell me what happened you? Now, here, with my word that I won’t tell a soul?

–  I can’t. I just can’t. How’s Joe?

–  Were you forced?

–  No. How’s Joe?

–  He’s working hard, he’s a different boy these days. His mother and me were at a loss as to what was best but he’s doing fine in America. Please, Mary, don’t cry like that, it’s enough to break the hardest heart. You’re going to be fine, just fine. Here, dry your eyes. What are you hoping for?

–  I’m hoping it doesn’t hurt and that I can go back to school …

He blew his cheeks out and rubbed his forehead like he couldn’t think of a word he desperately needed to finish a sentence but it escaped him. There was no point in asking him to carry a message to Joe. He would never mention that he had even seen me.