I look up

at her impossible face.

It’s so hard to stay angry.

I don’t care.

I tighten my body,

shrug my shoulders,

feel my belly burn.

I know you’re mad.

She is a magnet,

I am metal,

resisting.

I am mad!

Jorge looks over,

then walks toward the gate

and just outside.

I pluck my words from my

mouth one by one,

put them in the air around her.

How could you? With him?

Why?

Why didn’t you call me?

Where were you?

How did you get out here?

Weren’t you even

wondering what was happening

to me?

I called you!

I pause. She looks at me,

her eyes fixed.

My dad left,

and I was all alone.

All the time. Alone.

And in her green eyes,

staring at me,

I see for a second

a reflection

of my own body,

distorted and turned

inside out.

It’s not her fault

or mine.

I feel my side ache.

I put my hand there,

and she puts her hand there too,

softly over mine.

Her strong fingers

intertwine,

and with her other hand

she moves my hair away from my eyes.

My feet are nailed to the wood

floor, my heart slow and heavy,

quiet now

my eyes soaked

and she’s so close

I feel her breath

I’m in her orbit

circling closer

in in in.

In some other dimension,

the other me is brave,

but here, this me

coughs a little,

suddenly thinks about

how his bent head

might be pushing his chin

just a little too much

into a double chin,

or that he’d better pull his pants up.

This me, angry, ashamed,

turns his head,

breathes her in,

and walks away.

Packing List

1 sleeping bag

1 bottle of water

1 package diet Hawaiian Punch powder

1 military shovel

1 Rambo-style survival knife

with twisting compass on the hilt

and a hollow compartment in the handle

Inside: matches, a sharpening stone.

1 bag of dehydrated ice cream

2 bags of brand-name pork rinds

2 packs of Budding roast beef

1 small bag of shredded cheese

2 apples

1 small bag of sugar-free jelly beans

1 sketch pad, graph paper

2 pencils

1 pen

2 pairs of socks, both with blue stripes

1 pair of underwear

1 long-sleeved T-shirt with the California flag

1 Diet Book

1 Mysterious World

One note folded tightly

taped to three Slim Jims

that I find later that day.

Dear Ari,

Have a great trip.

I know you and Jorge

will be safe.

I thought you might

need these Slim Jims?

I want you to know

that you are such

a good friend to me.

I am sorry if I

hurt your feelings.

I will try to be brave

in the waves

without you!

Elysium.

Fog Storm

On the way to the trailhead,

fog swallows the whole road.

Shoreline Highway

two miles past Dogtown,

a huge deer cuts across the road.

My mother swerves. Already hard to see.

She slowly winds

along the road

then announces,

like a final warning