I am here because I cannot let them see what I have done to Jenny and I go to Mikey first and I have to move his head because he has his face flat against the pillow and my hands shake as I manoeuvre his head towards mine and every ounce of resolve I have is here as I place my hands on his throat and I squeeze the innocence out of him.

And I stop then with Mikey unmoving before me and Joey stirs in his bed and I go to him and his eyes open slightly and it is breaking my heart and I place my hands around his throat too and I don’t do anything else but place pressure and I am under pressure and pressure is looking down on me.

I stand now on the landing and I place my head in my hands and I try to count and now I have to go there.

Maeve is the hardest. I go into her bedroom and I move towards her bed and she lies there and her eyes are closed now, her soft childish breath, I can hear it. I touch her hair and I am about to touch her neck but something holds me back. I am stumbling and it is a real nightmare and I am in it and there is sweat under my arms and I don’t know what in God’s name I am doing but it doesn’t stop me placing my hands on her neck now and whatever strength I have left in me now I muster and this is my resolve. Maeve’s beautiful face and her head and I dismantle her beauty and her grace and I am crying while I’m doing this and it is so hard to breathe and it is so hard to focus and it isn’t supposed to be like this but it is and Jerome cannot come into this house any more and none of them can enter any of these rooms any more.

And now I have to check and this is what I have to do because I cannot guarantee that I have done enough, maybe they’re not dead, the boys, maybe I haven’t used enough power and maybe.

And a run now is out of the question. I recognize that almost immediately like a child who has done something terrible and is awaiting punishment. There will be no more Christmas presents to confiscate. How about that?