There’s a collective intake of breath from the room.

“It’s common to find out the sex of the baby,” says Margot in a no-nonsense teacher voice. “From as early as four months.” She looks at me. “Surely you’ve had your five-month scan, Trish?”

“Yes,” I state, staring at the floor.

There’s a long pause as everyone tries to work things out.

“Did you not go to the scan, Pete?” asks Ben finally.

“No, he didn’t,” I state.

Narrowing my eyes to thin slits, I look about the room. If anyone so much as opens their mouths to comment, I’ll push them off their ugly blue chair.

Margot clears her throat. “Right, well, who’s next?”

A couple of immaculate corporate types in suits and matching wire-rimmed glasses stand up and introduce themselves. Victoria’s a lawyer and has been trying to conceive for five years, Ethan is also a lawyer who hopes to be made a partner at Simmons & McCloud – one of the top law firms in the country. Ethan has a slightly hysterical look in his eye, like a wild horse trying to act tough, when clearly the whole being a dad thing is terrifying.

Next comes the couple we saw enter the building earlier. Their names are Seb (short for Sebastian) and Aria. Aria barely speaks at all and seems very happy to leave Seb to do all the talking. They met at a yoga retreat in Bali two years ago and have been soulmates ever since, Seb says proudly. Aria was one of the yoga instructors and offered to give Seb some “private lessons”, Seb says with a wink. I hate the guy already.

When Seb finally sits, I glance at the next two Margot encourages to take to the floor. I’ve been looking forward to hearing their story. Mags would be thrilled to see the two women who introduce themselves as Erin and Priya stand, hands together, and announce they can’t wait to be Mum One and Mum Two (apparently, this has something to do with Thing One and Thing Two from a Dr Seuss book and I should find the analogy extremely funny as everyone else in the room clearly does, gripping their sides with laughter). When the room has recovered, Priya explains that her friend Dan provided the sperm – “Isn’t he just the best,” Erin gushes – but they’ve decided to call him Uncle Dan, so as not to confuse things. I refrain from pointing out that calling your father your uncle might be more confusing than the truth.

With introductions over, Pete and I are finally able to sit, and Margot claps her hands.

“Right, this class is going to be all about the stages of labour. Who can tell me some of the signs of labour?”

“Contractions,” announces Ethan.

He strikes me as the type who’s studied up hard on the subject.