A heavy breath leaves me and I rub my forehead to get out some of the tension. I can’t tell her everything, but I can give her something that has killed me for years; a truth I wish didn’t exist.

My skin’s hot and my throat’s dry. It’s been years, and I never intended on telling Kat. I didn’t want her to know and it was before things changed for me. Before my mother told me she was dying. Before Kat came to me and showed me she was the person I needed in my life forever. It happened before I realized she was mine and I was never going to let her go.

“You okay?” Kat asks and there’s genuine pain in her voice. Sadness and concern I wish weren’t there. She’s too good for me. I’ve made so many mistakes and this is going to crush her and hurt her more than it should. It meant nothing to me back then, but it’ll mean everything to her right now. And I hate it.

“There’s something I have to tell you.” As I say the words I look Kat in the eyes, and her expression changes. The corners of her lips turn down and a deep crease settles between her brows. She has this way of hiding her emotions, but it doesn’t last long. She offers me a hard stare with her lips pressed into a thin line. She gives it to me all the time, but I know the second I give her silence, Kat’s mouth will open and every emotion she’s feeling will show. She can’t hide it from me.

“When you asked me about Samantha, if I’d slept with her …” I have to break off from my thought and pause to take in another breath.

The clink of Kat’s fork hitting the plate makes my chest feel tight. She lets out a small sound, almost like a sigh but weighted down with a bitter hopelessness.

“I told you the truth, that I haven’t been with anyone since we got married,” I say and watch her eyes, her expression, everything about her, but she doesn’t look back at me. Her shoulders rise like she’s holding her breath and waiting for a bomb to go off.

“It was years ago, Kat. Before I knew how much you meant to me.” The words come up my throat as if they’re scratching and clawing to stay buried down deep inside of me.