That’s why it hurts so much. Because I’m supposed to be in agony.

“You look tired,” I hear Jules say before she rests her hand on my shoulder, bringing me back into the moment. Standing in my small kitchen, with its clutter and a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, she’s so out of place here. “Are you all right?” she asks me softly.

Before I can answer, the sounds of Maddie and Sue laughing over something drift into the room. The wine has been flowing, and half of the only remaining box of pizza is left on the counter. It’s what I said I came in here for, another slice, but really I’d just remembered my time with Evan last night and then this morning and I wanted to be alone for a minute.

“You can tell me anything, Kat,” Jules says in a voice drenched with empathy. I’ve always loved the person she is. But never more than now.

“I don’t think I’m all right and I don’t know if I ever will be,” I answer and then arch my neck to stare at the ceiling, keeping my eyes open and trying not to bring this night down any more than I have.

“Is it normal to cry so much?” I ask her. “To be this emotional and this exhausted?”

“When you lose someone you love, yes.” She answers easily and calmly, sending a wave of calm through my body, but even that makes me feel that much more exhausted.

“I wish I was past this stage.”

“It’ll happen before you know it. One day, the reminders won’t hurt so badly. The mention of his name won’t cut you to shreds. One day it’ll feel like it’s supposed to be this way.”

“But I don’t know if it is,” I confess to her and then Sue ambles in from the dining room.

Her wineglass clinks on the counter as she sets it down and then she catches a glimpse of me, her expression morphing to one of sympathy. An expression I learned to hate growing up, but right now, while I’m weak and feeling so lost, it’s an expression that makes me lean into her when she opens her arms.

“You’re all right, babe,” she says softly and wraps her arms around me. Sue’s arms are filled with warmth and she kisses my cheek too. “It’s all right babe, we’re here for you.”

“Aww,” I hear Maddie coo as she makes her way into the room.

“Let it all out,” Sue says but I shake my head, my hair ruffling on her shoulder as I sniffle. Sue smells like wine. She sways a little and squeezes me tight. She’s definitely more than tipsy.