Linny said her boobs were growing ever larger and at this rate she soon wouldn’t be able to stand upright without falling on to her face, and she didn’t know how she was going to get through the next few months unless she stayed at home in a kaftan, because without a waist she just looked globular.

I received an invitation to address the Mallard Rise week-long writers’ course in some place vaguely northern that I’d never heard of, though they told me they have been running the course for over thirty years. When I phoned Ramona she said she had heard of it but hadn’t been, so I thought I might do it, especially since the speaker the following night was a novelist I particularly wanted to hear.

But when I contacted them it turned out they were offering me no fee, and only one night’s accommodation and dinner, and if I wanted to stay longer I’d have to pay for it, so I was in two minds. Maybe I would pay for one extra night, though the arrangements seemed a little stingy of them.

Since I was starting to be in demand I vowed to try to be a bit more choosy about this kind of thing, and only do the ones where they paid me, or where the prestige is enormous, or both.

Sergei was still in masterful mode on the following Monday morning, the battle scars on his fist adorned with colourful sticking plasters. No sooner had I stepped across the threshold than he told me to close my eyes because the surprise was ready for unveiling, and I thought I could guess what it was and things might be a little tricky …

But then he led me away from the direction of the bedroom and I could feel light on my eyelids and hear a musical sort of trickling noise and when he told me to open my eyes I was standing in a tall conservatory at the back of the house, bare apart from a small spouting water feature.

‘What do you think, my Tina?’ he enquired anxiously. ‘I did it for you. I know how you love hothouses and you can order any plants you wish; I give you free rein.’

What did I think? Well, my first thought was that it was just as well it wasn’t already hot, steamy and full of foliage or I might have weakened … in fact, since my mind’s eye immediately presented me with an image of what it would look like when finished and furnished, I felt distinctly softened already.

‘Oh, Sergei, it will be lovely – thank you!’ I said, kissing him. ‘But how on earth did you get permission for such a big conservatory? Didn’t the upstairs tenants object?’

‘No, for I have bought the rest of the house,’ he said simply. ‘Did I not mention that?’

‘No!’