But no, the small-press man and the haggard harpy and the Affiliated man, who was very kind in a well-meaning way, earnestly discussed this at length and I thought they’d never shut up.

But finally they had to call a halt as it was tea and bickies time. Ramona and I looked at each other and with one accord escaped outside and went for a stiff drink at the Frog and Bubble. She is really nice, so one good thing came out of the dismal session anyway, and next time I went to a London meeting of the Affiliated Authors (which were not at all like this one), at least I’d know one person because she went to them all.

Dear Tony,

While I was, of course, very sorry to hear that Father O’Donovan suffered some sort of mental crisis over Christmas and has now gone away on a six-month retreat to find himself, I can assure you that it was nothing to do with me.

Yes, I did have a conversation with him at your Christmas Eve party, but we discussed plants, flowers and books, all perfectly innocently – he is a very keen gardener, isn’t he? – and he asked me for a copy of one of my novels, I didn’t force it on him.

Actually, Snapped Blooms, being one of my earlier books published before Salubrious Press asked me to spice things up a little, has rather fewer scenes of a sexual nature than my recent ones, and also I sent a note with it pointing out which pages he ought to avoid in view of his vows of celibacy, so he didn’t have any carnal thoughts thrust upon him, as it were, though it was all good wholesome earthiness: I don’t do bad sex.

Honestly, you’d think I was an embodiment of the Antichrist the way you go on!

Tina

Seven

Flat

The Ramblings,

Bosson Surcoat,

Cresney

Dear Ms Devino,

I write firstly to inform you that I have no intention of sending you any further undeserved sums of money, and should you persist in your demands I will put the matter in the hands of my solicitor who will know how to deal with you.

Secondly, I am delighted to say that, no thanks to you, Ripplit Publishing has accepted my novel Banking On It and it will appear later this year in a two-volume edition. You were wrong about small firms who advertised for manuscripts all being vanity publishers, for I am not paying them one penny apart from a contribution to the costs of production, which I will easily recoup from sales, for they inform me that they send promotional material to every single bookseller in the country! I enclose a photocopy of their glowing appraisal and acceptance of my work in the hopes that it may be a lesson to you.

Yours sincerely,

Harold Snaith, ACA