NOVELTINA LITERARY AND CRITICAL AGENCY

Mudlark Cottage, The Harbour, Shrimphaven

Dear Mr Snaith,

Thank you for your recent communication, which as it happens arrived just as I was parcelling up your manuscript to return to you, together with the enclosed critical assessment. It has taken far longer than expected due to the fact that at 350,000 words it is more than twice the 150,000 paid for, and I would be delighted to receive a further cheque for the second half.

It is a very interesting work, but has some major problems to overcome in order to render it more appealing to an editor – and indeed, to a reader – foremost among them that it is too long for one novel and should be divided into two as indicated in my critique.

You will also find that by creating chapters and indenting the first word of each new paragraph, you will make a world of difference to its appearance.

For a thriller, it’s not really very thrilling, is it? And I don’t find all those nubile twenty-somethings throwing themselves into bed with your hero, Conrad Kravatsky, very convincing, since you describe him as a sixty-year-old balding accountant with a rather – dare I say it? – bland personality and a strong interest in golf. And what did you mean by asking me if you should increase the romantic element? There is no romantic element.

As to the alien abduction on page 545, I think that is a definite mistake, as are the passages of rather low Carry-On-style comedy involving foreign nationals that occur randomly from time to time, but basically it is the sheer length of the thing as it stands that is rather too much, so that by page 500 I was losing the will to live. I sincerely think that your readers will prefer something shorter, especially if they are slow readers and have to support the weight of the book for any time, and also you might like to consider the publisher, who may well feel that the brilliance of your work does not quite justify the enormous expense of producing such a huge volume.

I hope you find my enclosed critique helpful, and await your additional cheque of three hundred pounds.

Yours sincerely,

Tina Devino

I packed the last of the manuscripts off on the Tuesday afternoon before reluctantly packing myself off for another Devino family Christmas in all its ghastly splendour, leaving Minnie in the care of Mel, together with a little present of festive rodent treats (for Minnie – Mel preferred hard cash).

Oh, the things we do for love.

Five

Decimated