NOVELTINA LITERARY AND CRITICAL AGENCY

Mudlark Cottage, The Harbour, Shrimphaven

Dear Miss Noritake,

Thank you for your recent letter.

No, of course I wasn’t insinuating that your first language isn’t English! I advise all my writers to ask a friend with a particularly good grasp of English to read through their manuscript and indicate any words where the meaning is not quite apposite to the situation.

Also, I did point out that although readers would love your colourful description of the pretty seaside village of Luton, especially the annual Dragon Dance along the sea wall, they might also be confused by the fact that there actually is a city called Luton, which is about as land-locked as it is possible to get. Nor is it much noted for its cherry blossom.

These are all minor criticisms of your slight but poetic work, and I would urge you to make the changes I suggest before submitting it to the Arts Council for one of their grants as you intend – for I think, with a few minor tweaks, it will be just the sort of literary novel they are looking for and you stand every chance of some funding to continue your inspired and deeply meaningful work.

Yours sincerely,

Tina Devino

Jackie – one of my oldest and dearest Shrimphaven friends – caught me nattering away alone one morning and she said, ‘Tina, why are you talking to yourself?’

And I said, ‘I’m not, I’m talking into this dictating machine that Linny gave me for my birthday. It’s got teeny tiny cassette tapes in it, and I’ve had to buy a teeny tiny cassette tape player to go with it.’

Then she cut to the chase and said, ‘You had a birthday? Which one?’

And I told her I didn’t really have birthdays any more, because if you don’t have them you won’t get any older, will you?

‘Michael Jackson seemed to have the same idea, only I hope you won’t resort to surgery,’ she said worriedly.

‘Probably not, unless I get those deep channels round my mouth like a river estuary, and even then, only as a last resort,’ I assured her.