Because you are my sister,

I’ll take the time to say,

I wish you health and happiness,

On this, your special day.

Because you are my sister,

Though our ways have grown apart,

I’ll always take you with me,

Right here, in my heart.

For Tina,

With love from Antonio and all the bambinos

So it was my birthday, and I’m not saying which one because it’s so middle-aged I couldn’t believe it was true, and someone had to be playing a bad joke on me. My friend Linny gave me one of those little Dictaphone things because she said I had an interesting life and should record my great thoughts right off the top of my head, just in the terribly spontaneous way I always spoke.

‘And look how those American universities snap up an author’s entire collection of scrap paper, so what wouldn’t they give in a few years’ time when you are rich and famous for actual recordings of the great Tina Devino’s voice?’

I said that by the time I was rich and famous, technology would probably have made anything other than interactive holograms obsolete and then she said I watched too many ancient Star Trek reruns.

However, I’m happy to admit that I am an absolute sucker for people with knobbly faces wearing giant stretch Babygros and so cannot get enough of that type of programme.

‘You can’t talk, Linny, because anyone who watches old Buffy episodes shouting, “Bite me! Bite me!” whenever Spike appears is a truly sad person,’ I pointed out, and she went all defensive.

But anyway, Linny hadn’t been gone five minutes and already I was making my first recording, so I could see I was going to be absolutely addicted to talking to myself, because naturally I am my biggest fan. Whenever two writers are gathered together, let’s face it, it’s not so much a question of conversation, more a case of, ‘Let’s talk about something more interesting, darling: me, me, me!’

Linny arrived wearing a black T-shirt with ‘B.B.B.B.’ on the back, and the words ‘Big, Buxom, Brunette and Beautiful’ emblazoned across her chest in sequins. She could have added ‘Batty and Bossy’ as well. I bet that caused a stir when she walked through Shrimphaven on the way to my humble little fisherman’s cottage (unfortunately sans fisherman). She didn’t often deign to visit me as she lived in Primrose Hill, which was interesting to someone like me, who desired to live the Literary Life to the full. So I visited her instead, especially when Tertius the Tycoon was away, which was a lot of the time. Also my lover, Sergei, the ex-ballet dancer turned exercise guru, lived nearby.