‘I’m being annoying, aren’t I?’ I say, joining him on the sofa with my head in my hands. ‘I talked about the trek non-stop the whole way up here and now I’m on to the toilet facilities and the local Class As.’

‘You have talked about it a fair bit,’ he acknowledges, finding my horror amusing.

‘Oh God! I’m a trek bore!’

‘No, you aren’t. Za … it’s just lovely to hear you talking about something that’s clearly made you excited and giddy,’ he says, looking over to me as he visibly searches for the right words. ‘It’s nice to have you talk to me with a smile on your face.’

I nod in reply and nibble on my lip.

‘You can’t stop talking now!’ he smiles encouragingly. ‘We can do this … talk to me.’

I take a deep breath. I knew this moment would come, there was no way I could come back with an altered outlook and demeanour and not have to answer a few questions about what’s been going on with us. Neither would I want to.

‘I know I’ve been a right bitch the last six months or so,’ I admit, forcing myself to look at him while I speak. ‘I’m not blind to it, I’ve known every time I’ve said something too harshly, been too blunt or purposefully been difficult. I’ve walked away and felt that. I’ve wondered why and just pushed through, not really wanting to face up to the behaviour.’

‘Your friend died,’ he says simply, taking my hands in his.

‘Yes,’ I say, tears filling my eyes. ‘Yes. Yes, she did. My friend died. But if she were here now she’d tell me off for being a dick. Although I don’t need the heads up. I knew it then and I know it now, it’s just the why that’s been bothering me.’

‘Oh shit,’ he says, taking a breath.

‘I’m not calling anything off!’ I say, leaning forward so he has to look into my eyes and take in what I’m saying. ‘That is not happening. I’ve been pushing you away as a means of coping. I’ve had to be so strong. I’ve had to hold my shit together so that others can deal with their grief and therefore I never unravelled. I never lost my way in grief because I didn’t let myself go there. Instead, I let the hurt and anger out in other ways, with you. Because really my biggest anger was at the realization that love doesn’t always win. That sometimes the love between two people can be so deep, so indestructible, and yet something happens to rip them apart, to obliterate what was between them. To show them that the universe or God or whatever you believe in is bigger.’