‘Let’s see how you feel later,’ I say. I hope she has a nap, then changes her mind. I want to go out tonight, just the two of us. I feel like it hasn’t been just the two of us for so long. I want to go somewhere nice. Have good food. Drink some wine, and talk … and talk … and get it all out there in the open. I want her to put her hand on mine, like she did that first night in the Irish Bar in UB. I want her to kiss me like that. Softly, full of promise. I want to forget about what happened at the camp. I want to forget about what happened on the train. I want us to start again. I know I pushed it too far, and I’m close to blowing it – but I can’t let that happen. I can’t give her a reason to not want to be with me anymore. We’re only just beginning.

I look across at her as she lies on the bed, towel still wrapped around herself, and her face relaxed at last. I want to stroke her hair. I want to lie beside her. I want to touch that horrible love bite on her breast, and wish it away.

I want to curl in to her naked body.

I want to whisper in her ear, ‘I love you, Carrie.’

But instead, I take the extra blanket from the wardrobe and lay it gently over her. Then I wait until I hear her soft snores, before I take her laptop out of her bag and lay it on the desk. And without making a sound, I carefully open the lid.

I’m not doing anything wrong. I just want to know more about her. Sometimes people don’t tell you the whole story, they like to present the version of themselves that they want you to see.

But it’s amazing what you can find out about a person from their deleted items folder.

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Never Drinking Again (NDA)