When is the last time yi heard yir own heart beat? And did yi think aboot it stoppin? Natural processes becomin the subject ae an infernal scrutiny. It’s a fear ae fear, ae death, falling, heights, decay n illness. A’m a worn n weary eld man within weeks ae this. Ma sufferin is deepenin wae every day that passes cos A’m addicted tae the very venom that’s cripplin me. A kin barely move some days. Depressed n alone in bed, strugglin tae even wash, scared ae the shower. Fear ae the sensation ae panic has dragged me doon. A’m still rollin and puttin joints tae ma lips, determined no tae let these feelings stop me, no addicted but committed. Even a draw noo sends me intae the fear, that tailspin towards panic and those feelings that A dread every wakin minute. It’s no panic, but fear. Mortal terror and horror rather than fear. A’m alone in the dark and thinkin. It started wae those grass buckets a couple ae months back. Their sharp and toxic hit tae the brain and lungs. Too much fur too long. The smoke windin oot and that sinkin feelin draggin me doon tae the floor in a heap. A tried again n knocked the bucket over and wis covered in the stinkin water, heart racin, heed light and in sheer terror. Have yi seen Pineapple Express or any other suitable drug-comedy? They words ir oxymoronic tae me noo. This is the fuckin reality.

At least ten times in the last week A’ve been critical, terminal. Ten heart attacks in a week, mouth cancer or maybe just a gum ulcer, hepatitis C fae sharin hundreds ae Charlie-snorters at parties, n HIV fae junky needles A might huv stepped on when A wis younger. Ten shakin fits and airless breaths. Ten grabs on invisible handrails. A’m chokin, coughin, attemptin any normal sensation tae relieve these feelings. Sleep is ma only sanctuary fae the sinkin sensation. A’m fallin intae freezin water every time. Mental distress, chemical reaction, physical sensation. A sinkin feelin that steals ma breath fae me. A’m chokin on air. Ma chest feels hollow n empty n the armchair A’m sittin on becomes a rollercoaster cockpit. The attacks pass after aboot ten minutes but A’m left less me after every one. There is nae happiness in ma life anymore. It is just fear n depression loomin large above me, like ma own personal band ae low pressure.Why does it always rain on me? It’s fuckin pishin doon on me, thunderin n strikin me wae lightnin every time A take an attack. A’m exhausted but lyin doon sends me intae a fit ae shallow breaths. The internet says A’m expellin too much carbon dioxide wae rapid, panicky breaths. This causes the numb hands n feet n dizziness, n it’s why folk in films breathe intae paper bags – tae take the CO₂ back in n rebalance. Nae reference tae the sinkin feelin, but adrenaline is a powerful chemical n kin cause almost any sensation tae the panicked brain. Feelings ae fear and terror. Check. Panic disorder. That’s wit A’ve got. Continual panic attacks n losing control anxiety. But is it a condition – or a symptom? A suppose that depends on one fundamental question – are yi happy? N if no, then why no? Once A kin answer that, honestly, then A’m ready tae begin.