‘Aye, well, ma trackies n Berghaus ir gittin a bit done.’

‘Naw, son. You’re getting older, that’s what it is.’

‘Maybe.’

‘I’ve no seen you in a tracky fur ages. Yi suit jeans n that.’

‘Cheers. Yi no enjoyin the college then?’

‘I love it, Alan, but just feel different. Aw the lassies are pure indie. I’m getting there! I can even hear myself talkin differently.’

‘Aye, A noticed.’

‘Do I sound stupid? I’m dead conscious of it.’

‘Naw, no at aw.’

‘It’s just there, in my classes n that, the lassies all speak properly. No slang n that.’

‘N yi feel yi stick oot if yi talk like wan ae us?’

‘A wee bit, aye. Suppose it’s just changin yir register really.’

‘That’s it, int it? Yi wouldnae go fur an interview talkin pure lit aht, man, know wit A mean? You would talk properly, like this, old sport.’

We both laugh. It does feel n sound funny when yir no used tae dain it. The two ae us huv a wee bit ae brains in our heads, we’re no stupit. If we huv tae speak pure properly but, it’s a bit ae an effort n doesnae feel right. Monica hus obviously been practisin. A’ve dropped the pure neddy patter fae ma younger days. A kin hear ma voice n words changin the elder A git. It isnae yir accent that changes, it’s more yir choice ae words n no swearin aw the time. That’s no acceptable tae folk in decent society. Yi won’t get far if every second word is a curse. Ma granny hated it. She said real men didnae swear in front ae lassies. A tried no tae aw the time, but it wis a hard habit tae break. People judge yi by yir voice. When yir talkin like this people think you’ve nae intelligence. They think you’ve been dragged up n come fae a bad home. It’s aw aboot low-status lingo, know wit A mean?

‘Azzy n Patricia! Wheet-wheew!’

‘Aw shut up, Monica. Did yi come as a witch, sayin it’s Halloween?’

‘Maybe!’ she says n winks. ‘Just being honest. It’s funny! Can’t imagine you two at all.’

That’s the wan problem in chasin bad wans. The good wans always find oot n inevitably think less ae yi. Yi become a bog-standard dickhead, shaggin the tidy burds n sacrificin yir quality n character. Who yir partner is speaks volumes aboot yi. They’re a reflection ae yir innermost desires n how much yir willin tae sacrifice n settle fur. The wans who turn yir heed quickest ir often the wans who cause yi tae miss the really beautiful wans. No aw that glitters is gold, efter aw. The real treasure is lassies like Monica. The bad bitches n popular lassies never ir. The real gold is the different lassie, the shy wan, the odd wan wae quirks n hidden depths. Yi feel a spark when yir wae them n they make yi feel – things – yi never even knew existed.