‘So fuck, yir allowed wance in a while! Well, wit’s the fuckin masterplan then? Azzy boy’s always git a wee fuckin get oot ae jail plan!’

‘Mate, Monica’s asked me tae go wae hur.’

‘Go where but?’

‘Paris.’

‘Ohhhh, oui! Fuckin Par-i! Aye, you’ll fit right in there wae yir Lanarkshire accent n yir fuckin tracksuit. Come back wearin a stripy jumper n fuckin garlic roon yir neck n A’ll call yi fuckin Johnny Onion Ring, ya cunt!’

A’m pishin maself laughin at ma eld mate.

‘Yi should go, man. Yi fuckin love that lassie tae bits. Don’t let hur fuckin disappear over there without yi or that’s yooz fucked.’

‘A don’t want tae hold hur back, mate.’

‘Aye right, fuckin Mother Teresa. You’re sittin worryin aboot that n she’s oot fuckin wae big Bobo Baldé eatin frogs’ legs n drinkin chardonnay. Wined, dined n 69-d.’

‘Fuck up, ya fuckin tattie-muncher.’

‘Well don’t ponder it too fuckin long. If she didnae want yi tae go, she wouldnae huv asked yi. Git yirsel a fuckin rucksack, git it packed n git yir fuckin arse on a plane. Yi used tae talk aboot leavin fur good – fuckin anywhere is better than here. You’ve got a chance tae go, take it. Or big fuckin Bobo wull!’

A punch the cunt a deedy in the arum. ‘Wit aboot you, wee-sacks?’ A ask.

‘A’ve been thinkin aboot Oz, man.’

‘Well sayin you’ve been dodgin work, watchin Home and Away, ya cunt.’

‘Why no fuck? Danny Bhoy isnae dain much hangin aboot here maself.’

‘Think you’ll dae it?’

‘Maybe, mate. Need a few grand away before yi kin start dreamin aboot aw that.’

‘Fuck you’ve got it sorted noo, cuz.’

‘No really, mate. Some days A feel fuckin mental n depressed oot ma heed. Other days A feel brand new n ready tae move on away fae here n sort maself oot. Nae cunt thought you wid be back. Where yi gonnae go, Azzy?’

‘Dunno, mate,’ A answer honestly.

‘Yir a hard wan tae read, eld son. Bags ae potential but yi need that killer instinct, man, tae just make yir fuckin mind up n go! Yi wur always bad at that. Fulla ideas n nae idea how tae git there. The devil’s in the detail, son, but yi need tae take a leap ae faith sometimes. Don’t sit n analyse it, like yi always dae, ya cunt! Step intae the unknown!’

‘Aye, maybe yir right.’ Yir best mate knows yi best, their advice oft the best anaw.

‘Def no gawn tae Paris wae yir burd?’

‘Nuhin’s definite, Danny.’

‘Well, don’t think too long. Just pick suhin random n go. Doesnae need tae be an amazin plan wae a life-long career. Just huv a look n see where yi want tae stay fur a bit, look fur a job n a gaff. Then meet cunts n socialise.’

‘Aye that’s the hard bit.’

‘Wit aboot the college? Yi wur studyin wur yi no?’

‘Aye mate. A could go tae uni eventually.’