I have to wait a moment after he goes before I can force my trembling legs to move. What was that? Was it a dream that sent me down here, trying to escape the house? To go where? Or was it a memory? Not as vivid a vision as when I dreamed Bella back alive in my flat, but Bella’s yelling voice—I have to tell you…It hurts my stomach and makes my head throb. Was that real? From the night she died?

I look at the clock on the wall. It’s four a.m. I’m not even going to try to go back to sleep now. I rub my hand across my mouth. I can taste vomit, sour in my throat. God, this place, being back here, what is it doing to me?

Ten o’clock and I’m sitting in the kitchen, nursing a fourth cup of tea, showered and dressed.

“Dad?” I say as he comes in, reaching for the teapot. “I need to go back for a couple of days—I have a meeting at work.” My voice wobbles on the last words. I finally called Karen back, arranged to call in at school today at five. Well after all the kids will have left for the day. Karen’s suggestion.

Dad smiles and squeezes my hand. “Of course. It’s okay—Julia’s stable at the moment. You know, if they need you at work, that’s okay too. If you came back again this weekend…”

I shake my head. “It’s fine. I’ve arranged things. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

I’m going back with Max. Lena left yesterday on the train and I haven’t seen Sean since our argument outside the house.

“I have my meeting today, then I’m seeing Sophie, and I’ll be back on the train tomorrow morning.”

“It’s so good of you to do this—taking all this time off.”

I feel guilty about not telling him the truth, letting him think I’m making some huge sacrifice, taking unpaid leave. But the truth will make him worry, and Christ knows he doesn’t need more worry at the moment. Which is why I’m also not telling him I was on the phone with the doctor as soon as it opened, making an emergency appointment. I frightened myself with the sleepwalking. I can’t be here for Dad and Julia if I’m scared to close my eyes at night.

“I’ll do a big shop when I get back—cook that chicken casserole you love.”

His face lights up for a moment. “Julia loves that, too. It might encourage her to eat.”

“Tess? You ready?” Max pops his head through the door.

I nod. “I’ll be right there.” I lean forward and kiss Dad on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? Ring me if anything…if you need anything.”