He walks out of the room, over to the bathroom, the bottle still in his hand. There are only a couple of inches left in the bottom and I think he’s going to drink it, but he upends it instead, letting the liquid pour down the sink. “Doesn’t matter. Forget I said anything. But stop thinking it’s me who’s stayed away, who can’t bloody forgive. Ask yourself why she used to refuse to see me when I was fucked up and a grieving mess. Ask yourself why I’ve ended up carrying around so much ugliness that my wife tells me to stay away so my own kid doesn’t grow up like me.”

“What are you talking about?” His questions have settled like rotten seeds in my belly, spreading roots of nastiness, whispering questions I don’t want to hear. Why did she leave her sons behind? After her daughter had died, why wouldn’t she then cling harder to her remaining children, like Dad did to me after Bella died?

Jack leans in close to whisper in my ear, booze-scented breath filling my nose. “Made you think, didn’t I? Made you wonder?”

Dad is in the kitchen when I go down at seven, staring out at the woods. He looks dazed.

“Are you…is Julia okay?”

“She had a bad night. The doctor…the doctor doesn’t think it will be long now. He’s adjusted her morphine doses, put a syringe driver up so she’s not in any pain, but it makes her…it’s like I’ve already lost her.”

I go over and wrap my arms around him.

“She didn’t want this,” he says. “This long, drawn-out end. She wanted to be at home and she wanted to say her goodbyes and she wanted it to be peaceful. And easy. I see her in pain and struggling, or doped up on morphine with no idea where she is and I want to…I want to…”

His voice breaks and I hold him tighter as he cries.

He pulls away and wipes his eyes. “I sat with Julia and realized how many of your mum’s and Bella’s things are still here, how we’ve lived surrounded by death and memories for so long.”

He shakes his head. “I wonder sometimes if I should have gotten rid of their things. I could never bear to. But it means they’re always here. I’ve never stopped to think how hard that must have been for Julia.”

I shiver. Bella’s here now, her breath warm on my neck.

“Julia never pushed me. She never asked me to clear away their things. But Bella’s things, your mother’s…It can’t have been easy for her living in a house of…”