Dedication

for my family:
human, feline,
and—of course—canine

Epigraph

For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.

—Carl Sagan

To err is human; to forgive, canine.

—Unknown

canine glossary

bed boogie: circular “dance” performed by dogs before settling into bed, probably a primitive nesting behavior

copilot: dog riding in car, often with head poking out of an open window (see also: drool flag)

crazy mutt: exuberant greeting ritual

drool flag: visible tongue protrusion, frequently displayed during copiloting or meal preparation

FRAP: frenetic random activity period (synonym: zoomies)

full wag: the happiest tail position, a relaxed circular swish, sometimes including hip wiggles

fur on alert: raised hair on a dog’s neck and back, an involuntary reaction often caused by fright or aggression

head tilt: quizzical look employed to charm gullible humans

LEAVE IT: the world’s worst command, especially when applied to food

me-ball: dried excrement thrown at observers (origin: Gorilla, informal)

playbow: body position with elbows down and rear up, signaling an invitation to have fun

rhymes-with-pet-threat: vet, an otherwise kind human armed with thermometers and needles

tailspin: (1) chase involving the flexible appendage attached to the rear of most canines; (2) (informal) an embarrassing or quixotic effort

toe-twitcher: dream (often squirrel-focused) resulting in foot movement

tug-of-war string: a long (though never long enough) piece of fabric or leather used to lead humans during walks

UFO: (1) unidentified food object, often found under kitchen tables or couch cushions; (2) unidentified floor object, hopefully edible; (3) unidentified flying object, ideally a stick, flying disk, or slobber-covered tennis ball

water bowl of power: (1) jumbo-sized ceramic dish; (2) uncomfortable human chair, generally found in bathrooms

zoomies: sudden bursts of energy, usually involving chaotic dashes through the house (informal; see also: FRAP)

One

confession

Look, nobody’s ever accused me of being a good dog.

I bark at empty air. I eat cat litter. I roll in garbage to enhance my aroma.

I harass innocent squirrels. I hog the couch. I lick myself in the presence of company.

I’m no saint, okay?

and while i’m at it . . .

I may or may not have eaten a pepperoni pizza with anchovies when nobody was looking.

Also, I may or may not have eaten a coconut vanilla birthday cake when nobody was looking.

Also, I may or may not have eaten a Thanksgiving turkey (except for the stuffing—way too much rosemary) when nobody was looking.

Nobody looking. That seems to be the common thread.

As they say on the crime shows: motive and opportunity.

robert

Name’s Bob.

I’m a mutt of uncertain heritage. Definitely some Chihuahua, with a smidgen of papillon on my father’s side.

You’re probably thinking I’m some wimpy lap dog. The kind you see poking out of an old lady’s purse like a hairy key chain. But size ain’t everything.

It’s swagger. Attitude. You gotta have the moves.