‘Yes, of course. When they didn’t love me back, it felt like the end of the world at the time, but now when I remember, it makes me laugh. You think you love Nick, but you don’t really. He’s been in your life for ever and right now your hormones are all over the place.’

It struck her that it should be their mother having this conversation, but it felt good to be needed. It made up for some of the shit she’d had to take recently.

She lay with her face so close to her sister’s that she could feel Izzy’s toothpaste breath on the tip of her nose. ‘You were such a scrawny little baby. It was like your eyes were too big for your head.’

Izzy snuggled into her embrace. She loved this story.

‘When you were sick I spent every moment I could with you. You almost died, but I willed you to pull through. I wanted you to survive so badly. I felt so protective about you. I still do. I wouldn’t let anything happen to you, Iz. You do believe me, don’t you?’

‘You’ll be right behind me?’

‘Yes, of course I will.’

‘When will we do it?’

‘Dunno. Tomorrow, probably. Depends if this lets up, I suppose.’ Taisie yawned and tried to get comfortable. ‘Go to sleep now, Izzy.’

‘It will be all right, won’t it?’

‘Of course it will. I’ve always looked after you, haven’t I?’

‘Yes.’ She didn’t sound convinced. ‘Taisie?’

She had nearly nodded off. She rolled over on to her side. ‘What?’

‘Nothing.’

She lay watching Izzy until her breathing deepened, then she stroked her hair in the darkness, spreading it on the pillow and weaving her fingers through it, before falling asleep herself.

GRACE

Wednesday, 18 April 2018

I WAKE FEELING HEAVY AND DRAINED OF ENERGY, AS IF during the night something has sucked the blood from my veins. I touch Nick’s side of the bed, running my hand over the shallow dip made by his body, then pull his pillow across and breathe it in. Without him here, I’m so much less, although I know I shouldn’t feel that way. I hope he would feel the same about me. I miss him and I’m desperately worried. What if he doesn’t come back? What on earth will I do without him?

I won’t think about that now, not when it’s morning and there is Lottie to reassure. It’s vital to carry on for her sake; vital to fill in that form for the school trip to the Science Museum, vital to sign her homework diary, vital to check she has the correct kit. Vital is what gets me up and doing the things that need doing.