‘I was watching from an upstairs window and I saw Izzy run down to the end of the gardens and vanish behind the changing rooms, so I went after her and caught up with her at the river. She stood on the bank and screamed at me to get lost. She wasn’t wearing a coat, and she looked like she’d had a bucket of water thrown over her, her hair dripping, her shirt soaked through. We had been mates, but she was yelling these horrible things. I told her to come back to the house, not to be stupid, but she told me to fuck off. It sounded awful coming from her. I turned round, and I walked away, and she went quiet instantly, as if she hadn’t expected that, as if she had wanted me to keep on pleading with her. It was the loneliest silence. That’s what I can’t forgive myself for. I left a child on her own. I should have stayed until she calmed down or someone else came.’ He leaned back with a groan and swept his fingers through his hair. His eyes were hollowed out, blue-shadowed. ‘I can’t get it out of my mind. I wish I could turn the clock back, start again, stay with her.’

‘We all have things we can’t escape, things we regret, things we can’t undo. You have to learn to live with it, Nick.’

‘I don’t think I ever will, not fully at least.’

I looked at him closely. He’d been through so much and kept it locked up inside him for so many years. How do you walk away from those thoughts, that kind of torment? I felt inadequate and ill-equipped to help, but I had to, otherwise we would flounder on the irrefutable truths, because, whatever part Anna played, nothing will change the fact that Nick turned his back on Izzy Wells and walked away, any more than I can walk away from the fact that I stabbed Douglas in a jealous rage. There’s something faulty in me too.

‘We are what we want to be,’ I murmured.

‘What did you say?’

‘Nick, you have to do something. Something you don’t think you have time or headroom for. Something that makes you feel better and squeezes your nightmares into a smaller space.’

‘I have both of you.’

‘Of course you do, but we’re not enough. There has to be something else. You have to make time to do the things you know you need to do. Listen to your gut.’

His eyes burn into mine. ‘I wish you’d told me what happened to you.’

‘I wish I had, too.’

‘I wouldn’t have let that man in the house if I’d known how much he’d hurt you.’

‘My scars are emotional, his are physical. I think I’d rather have the physical ones.’