For years she lay with him purely so that she may conceive, she confesses. I had thought it had just been on occasion to keep him happy. I knew she was having intimate relations with him regularly enough as he gave her, and in turn me, gonorrhoea. We would still meet regularly over the years after they wed, and I believe he knew what we got up to. He had affairs too, hence the disease, but they still tried, or at least she tried to conceive, and she allowed him to pleasure himself with her. In return he was happy to finance Mariana’s life and travels, often with me.

I passed the disease onto Isabella too, but I never told Mariana that. I couldn’t just be at her whim all the time, ready to lift my skirts at any time she wanted. Once Isabella realised I’d been with someone else, whom she rightly assumed was Mariana, that was it for us for many years, until I won her over once more. Charles’ indiscretion cost me a great deal of pleasure, and some awkward visits to the doctor and expensive treatments that have never worked. I believe he knew he’d given it to us both – he probably revelled in it. It was his small way of showing a power over me too. He probably contracted it on purpose.

I wonder if the reason for her telling me about this longing for a child is that now she has given up. We are the same age, after all, and with nothing left for Charles to offer her and no sign of him dying soon, does she want to start up with me again? I try to ignore this thought as my hopes are so quickly dashed by her, but I do wonder, though I do not ask outright.

I stay with her for a few more days and when she talks of Halifax, she lets something slip and I realise she has heard of Miss Walker and me. Though I have not made anything more than a passing reference to her as an acquaintance, Mariana mentions my Moss House, which only my aunt or Mrs Priestley could have told her about. I wonder if it has made her jealous.