When she tried to squirm free of him, he moved on top of her with her two hands in one of his, and his other hand pulled up her skirts. She screamed, she told me. At least she thought she had. But he had sent the servants away and locked the doors. Her friend was asleep at the other end of the house. So she stopped screaming and blamed herself for allowing this to happen, for allowing him to think he could do this. She said to him, I hate you, and he replied that he did not care, and that no one would believe her. He would tell his wife that she seduced him, and she would lose her friendship forever and her reputation would be ruined; no one would ever marry her. Little Miss Walker believed him. And so she lay there looking at the ornate ceiling above her as he ruined the rest of her life.

Miss Walker

She was the first person I’d ever told.

I had always intended for Mrs Ainsworth to come alone to visit. So as not to arouse suspicion, I had written to beg her to come alone as I was unwell but wanted company. I hoped he would agree to it too, and then I would be alone with her, not to breathe a word about him, but to have my friend back, a chance for us to talk, remember our girlhoods.

But she is gone. At least she will never know about what happened. Selfishly, I felt some relief that I would never have to see him again. I believed it was all over and that I could finally carry on.

Only a second letter arrived just a few days after the first with his ugly writing on the front. I believed it would be about funeral arrangements, which it was, but it was a long letter, and in it he had the audacity to propose marriage to me. How could he? He ruined my one true friendship and could not even allow me to grieve for her. She is not even buried yet. How dare he!

Miss Lister held me for all the time I needed to cry and recover myself after receiving this letter. I hoped she understood some more of me now; why I feel at the mercy of others, so afraid of pleasure, deserving of nothing but a solitary life for what I have done. She tells me that I have done nothing, that it was all him. I try to believe her. Then she is exasperated with me, I can hear it in her voice. She moves away from me and paces, knowing there is nothing she can say to fix this.

I think she would shoot him dead if he showed up here. I think I would like that.

Miss Lister