I wonder if her reluctance to commit to me is because of my appearance. Is she ashamed of my looks? While we hide away in the Moss House in secret I am acceptable to her, but when she thinks of being aligned with Miss Lister as a sort of partnership – is that what makes her afraid? Is she so concerned about what others think? Can I do anything to address that? For her, would I change myself? Would I conform and wear colour? Pastels and pinks and ribbons and bows, all trussed up like a parcel to be admired and chosen and doted upon? In the face of it all I chose black. The gracefulness of it. And it does not show the dirt. Black is my colour until the day I die. For I am like no other – let them see it and judge what they will, for I shall not be deterred.

If she were to love me, she should love me for who I am. But if I love her, should I not be willing to change for her? This sounds as though it may be a ponderance of many couples over the centuries. She should take me as I am, for this is me. To wear colours, bonnets and ribbons, to leave the estate work to the men, to curb my travels and never ascend another mountain, is that what she asks of me? Then it is not me she loves.

I send her a note as I will not let this end from my own lack of trying. Let her explain herself to me if she wants to break this off. She replies I may visit and invites me to see her. She does not mention the Moss House. I wonder if this is the end. I march to Crow Nest, thinking all the while I am to be cast aside, probably with paltry excuses. I am angry. Can she not see that I care? I am happy to give her my time, my energies, my love.

I shall stand in silence to hear what she has to say first. If it is disagreeable to me, I shall bid her farewell.

As I walk up over the valley and towards the Walker lands, I wonder if this may be the last time I ever come this way. If I walk back broken-hearted, I shall never wish to see an inch of Walker estate again. I shall leave here and all the hopes that have risen in me that this could be my home and that I had found someone to share it with at last. All dashed because she is too timid to see what happiness is offered to her.

I decide to call in on her aunt first. Make her wait. I must keep up appearances that I am friends with all the Walker family, not just one of them.